venttttttwt

i wish I could go back to summer of 2023 and restart. i lost my best friend bc of my own dumb unsolved mental issues. I’ve realized after i have an avoidant attachment style and I feel like everyone is better off without me. i had a busy day once and ended up not able to respond to his messages, and he was the type to send so many messages, which I don’t hate but it kinda stresses me more about replying, I felt bad I didn’t reply all day so I ended up not replying at all…and it turned into days and then weeks..I was too scared to talk to him after that and this isn’t the first time it’s happened so he cut ties with me. I completely understand and ngl im happy for him for protecting his peace and happiness but it’s one of my biggest regrets and I don’t understand why I do it. I wish he knew how much I regret it and miss him, he was 3 hours ahead of me, I miss waking up to his messages everyday. i miss having someone who wanted to tell me about their day and everything they did. I was probably the happiest I was when we were best friends, he’s genuinely the only person who made me feel okay and more comfortable to be myself. I didn’t feel cringe or weird for the things I liked, or when I tried new pronouns and a new name. I love my friend and my bf but im so scared to be who i truly want to be around them. he’s the only person that wouldn’t judge or think anything of me. it hurts knowing he probably thinks I didn’t give a shit about him and he probably hates me now but it’s for the best for him honestly. the only thing I can do is try to forgive myself and become a better person but i lost my best friend of 5 years.