8/2/2024 1:56AM

im not having a great time right now.

i feel so lonely and bored and sad because my best friend doesnt want to hang out with me. there are always lulls in our friendship, where we will hang out nonstop, every day of the week, from afternoon-ish times to 4 am, then one day it just stops. he starts getting bored, or getting interested in another game, or hanging out with our other friends. hes basically the only friend i have, hes the only friend i hang out with, hes the only friend i truly have fun with when its just the two of us. whenever he isnt around, im always waiting for him to come back. ill play a game by myself for a few minutes, get bored or lonely and leave, try to watch youtube or a show, then i get bored or lonely and leave. ill try to draw something, but i cant come up with anything, and it just makes me so sad and frustrated, because art is meant to be my best talent, the one thing i can do by myself. 

everytime he goes away its always just me waiting around, doing fuckall, sleeping, eating, crying, checking his discord status, checking if hes sent me a message anywhere, asking if he wants to play a game or something with no responses, or at least responses i want to hear. he doesnt even know how i feel about him, he doesnt know i feel this way so im not mad at him or anything, i just wish he would come back and i can act like i havent been depressed for the past two weeks he was gone. i cant tell him i feel this way either, because then he will feel obligated to hang out with me, or he will feel bad for all the times he turned down my invites, or he will tell me we cant be friends anymore because of how much i depend on him for my happiness. i dont want any of those things to happen, i want him to hang out with me because he wants to, not because he knows it makes me sad whenever he doesnt want to. 

hes the most funniest, most interesting, most intelligent, most kind, most prettiest, most talented, most loveliest person i know, and i wish i could be with him all of the time, every waking second of my life i wish i could spend with him, i never want to leave his side, i want to make him happy i want to make him laugh i want to make him as happy as he makes me and i wish i could tell him how i feel but i wont. i am too scared

i dont ever do anything worthwhile, i stay on my computer or i stay in bed all day, i dont talk to anyone, i stay by myself. but if he tells me to jump i ask him "how high?" i will do anything he tells me to do, ill do anything for him. i cant live without him.

and i think maybe thats why he shouldnt be in my life. maybe thats why we shouldnt be friends at all. hes just one person, he lives so far away from me, has an entire life outside of me and his computer, he has parents, a dog, a girlfriend, a job. i have nothing except him. and thats why we shouldnt be friends.

this cycle we go through: he shows up and we hang out together nonstop for a little bit, i remember how happy he makes me and how much i love him, and i thought he feels the same way i do. but then, he goes to play some other game, or talk to someone else, and then im just left here by myself waiting for him to come back so we can do it all over again. this cycle is destroying me, and i feel as though it cant go on. it isnt healthy for me, and if he knew what he does to me it wouldnt be healthy for him either. i feel like shit, he would feel like shit. i talk from experience.

i know what i should do, i know i should tell him we cant be friends anymore, or at least we should take a big long break in our friendship so i can get my shit together, but i really, really, really, really, really, really, really dont want to. because what if he wants to hang out again? what if he actually wants to talk to me? what if he has something he needs to get off his chest, but im the only one he would feel comfortable going to?

but at the same time, i want to hang out again, i want to talk to him, i have something i need to get off my chest and tell him about. but i never tell anyone anything, because i am a big fat coward.

i need to stop being his friend, but i know he doesnt want to stop being my friend. he doesnt know how batshit insane i am about him, he thinks im normal, so there isnt anything about me that would repel him. he always says im one of his closest friends, but he doesnt mean it the same way i do. he means it in the normal way, i mean it in the autistic weirdo way, where i want to live in his head all day every day.

i want more friends, but every time i try to make some it always becomes so dull and boring, because everyone is so normal, and im so not. i want friends that act and think like i do, i want friends that act and think like he does, because hes actually interesting and fun. i hate normal people so much.

i need to learn how to exist without him. i need to learn how to make new friends and actually keep them. i need to learn not to obsess over one single person in my life.