becoming scene journey, pt1

this will be part 1 of a probably series of mostly vents and just my feelings in general. :P.

for this first part, i'll probably just need to start with a little bit of exposition. ever since i knew what the scene culture was (so when i was bout 8 or 9ish), i had fallen in love with the idea of becoming part of it. 10 years later, i only got a side part and fringe a couple weeks ago. what i mean to say is that i've barely made any steps in this desire

why, you might be thinking? my reasons (maybe excuses too, but its just why) are kinda small but just kinda piled on top of it. one of them is that i've always been intimidated by making changes to my hair. its a very important aspect to me, my family (esp my mom and her side) has always praised it, and i'd like for it to stay healthy for a long while. i know that scene haircuts most often were traditionally self done, but i got a pretty good basis at great clips (LUCKY as hell btw. my hairdresser made fun of my ass for going to great clips to get a scene haircut it was embarrassing). just recently ive tried snipping and trimming it myself, getting the hang of the scissors. nothing too drastic yet, but i think im looking better

secondly, ive never been huge on makeup. from what i understand, scene makeup doesn't have to be that complex necessarily. mostly just having lots of black eyeliner and you're set. its not the difficulty of the look, per se, but rather ive just never. done it. growing up, i was not like other girls in a sense of like, there was something that everyone around me identified that made them decide that i am not like the rest of them, and my solution was to just embrace it and keep distance from everyone else. (i guess it also doesn't help that i'm not ENTIRELY a girl lol genderfluid moment) i've definitely had moments every now and then about my inability to do my own makeup. sure, makeup at its best is a fun way to modify your appearance and at its worst an industry that profits off the insecurity of women of all ages, i always remind myself of that. but its an activity that i've been excluded from all my life, was never taught, and didn't know i was supposed to have the desire to learn. even the people that i surrounded myself with, other outsiders in a sense, were more keen on makeup than i ever have been. i've gotten better at doing it i guess, but its not a habit for me to go out with it on

thirdly, when it comes to fashion, im also a bit lacking in that department. i don't need to dress scene all the time fs, but i have a hard time styling in general. if i removed any thought from how i dress myself, i would probably just be wearing pants, tank top, hawaiian shirt every single day. ive made some pretty nice more scene-ish outfits though. the hardest restraint on it is that i don't have a job bc i'm still working on getting my license, so i can't really go out getting clothes all the time. my parents are very generous to me, but if i wanted to go all out, i doubt theyd appreciate the cost and i wouldn't want to do that to them either

lastly, its sort of just insecurity in general. i don't listen to scene music, which is liike. the main part of the subculture X'O lol. i would say however i am a little pretentious and stubborn about my music tastes. i do intentionally check songs that spotify recommends to me if they are made from 2000-2012ish and if they're not very popular, and i listen to a couple modern hits every now and there. its not scene, but its alt in a certain way i guess??? another reason for my insecurity is i went to the mall today with my dad and saw a couple of scene and emo people and felt dreadfully upset and jealous about how effortlessly they can just dress up and look that way. (its what inspired this blog post in the first place) it makes me feel like im trying too hard, like i could never be this image of scene that i want to be. it feels like theres a disconnect between the person i am and the person i want to be. if i pushed myself to be this way, would i even really be myself anymore?

anyway, dinners ready and i'm hungry. thats all for now. if this reaches anybody whos also trying to learn how to be scene, do you feel similarly? whats the hardest part about being scene for you?

-mango xoxo