Entry #031 - My Resilience

Nearly one month has passed since my former life crumbled apart in one fell swoop.

In my previous blog entry, I briefly described how my husband destroyed our marriage.

To paraphrase a character from Bojack Horseman, when you view someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags! 

My "hindsight 20/20 vision" has helped me to reflect and understand things over this past month. From the beginning, Jacob has been using me for his own benefit. From the beginning, in 2019! He never loved me the way I loved him. Instead, Jacob merely loved the idea of me. He did not love me. I was so happy with him. I was so in love. Truly, genuinely, wholeheartedly, I was in love with him. He never felt the same, and it took him entirely too long to recognize that. And then even longer to come out and admit it. He played me so hard. He used me and took advantage of me. He betrayed me, yet I still loved him. I still accepted him and all of his flaws. (There are many!) And he fucking married me! 

Anyway, the recent trauma he put me through has rewired my brain in such a way that I am finally prepared to erase him from my past, present, and future. I've done some healing throughout July.

I wouldn't say I'm completely finished grieving the loss of my marriage and sense of stability, but my despair has 100% transformed into anger and frustration. I want him out of my life as soon as possible. We have an appointment at the courthouse this coming Monday to review + file our divorce paperwork, and then he agreed to be totally moved out of my house by mid-August. I wish it was sooner, but I don't want to escalate this into a nasty fight. I'm trying to be the bigger person and have patience. (That's another update from my previous entry — I have decided to remain in my current home with my roommates. I have a great living situation and there is no need to abandon it simply because Jacob abandoned me.)

Soon, his presence in my life will be nothing more than a cringeworthy memory. 

And you know what? I'm looking forward to this next chapter of my life. I have full freedom to focus on my spiritual path, focus on my family, and focus on MYSELF! My husband was never the "third eye open" kind of person, and in a way, he was stunting me. I'm giving my current bedroom to the new roommate, and I'll be taking a smaller room upstairs. I'm going to repaint the walls a nice lilac color and fully customize the space into my own personal sanctuary — complete with an altar! 

I wish I could have started this process already, but I've been out of town for nearly two weeks because I'm house-sitting for my friends. They're having their own family emergency and had to fly to the east coast... and I was the only local friend who could come take care of their 2 dogs and 6 cats while they're gone. It's exhausting work!!! The dogs are totally untrained, and they each weigh as much as I do. I can't wait to return to my own home! 😭 One more week to go!

At least I've been away from Jacob this whole time... out of sight, almost out of mind. Being anywhere near him gives me tremendous anxiety, partly due to my preexisting PTSD. Before all this shit went down, I was convinced that I was recovered from my past traumas, but he really tore open all the wounds in my soul. I've been paranoid, jumpy, panicky, lightheaded, etc. It's affecting my performance at work, but my supervisors know everything that's going on and they are being very supportive of me right now. I will also ask my doctor about therapy options during my appointment tomorrow. Lord knows I need therapy after all this bullshit.

Oh, I just remembered another July update. About a week after the shit hit the fan, I actually happened to reconnect with my brother whom I hadn't seen or spoken to in 3 years. So that was pretty neat! We're planning some hiking and/or camping trips later this year after my life stabilizes. 

I suppose that's enough void-rambling for now. I'm going to eat one of my THC gummies and zonk the fuck out.