I deserve better (late night venting)

I think I'm really just gonna give up, like I said in my last post. The only thing I don't know whether I'll even do it anymore is say goodbye as I planned before. A heartfelt goodbye feels useless and truly one sided now. I can't believe the person who I used to fall so hard for and who all this time was caring and kind is now treating me as if I'm irrelevant. 

I got a message after another day of waiting and reaching out on Monday. Meaning I waited the weekend for them to calm down and then another day till Tuesday to get an answer. And at that point, I honestly didn't even feel like talking anymore. I was merely too stubborn thinking well, if they answered now, then I guess I could still do it and make it a short last meet up. However, now it's Wednesday night and again, no answer. All it would have taken them to do was open the message and tell me what day and time would work for them. But not even an answer or anything to that yet. I'm torturing myself at this point trying to be "the bigger person" for someone who isn't even seeing me at all. And silly as it is, this person still watches my insta stories. I guess they might be skipping through it but it's still odd. Especially when I opened up one of their stories today (posted yesterday) which I rarely do, but I got curious. Nothing much to see tho. Later they posited again, I didn't check it at that time tho. Yet when I wanted to, it was gone. I've been apparently blocked from their story as soon as they noticed I watched it for once. Why even unblock me from it at all then? They did that before while they were in there home town but at the time even my roomie and dear friend suggested they just wanted to keep me from watching it as a way not to torture myself. I don't believe that anymore now. It's a silly detail, but it shows me more than enough. I'm gonna break my heart over it, but just the last little bit ill need to let go. Meaning I'll just end it without the meeting. Idk what emotion I'll show them in the end, but I don't want to do this anymore. I'm no longer hopeful or excited, not even for a future rn. Might be that they just moved on with someone new already, after all, there isn't much to hide that I would care for any other way. 

The only thing that hurts now is the blatant disregard for me when they told me how they used to like me and wanted to do this for me. But if I'm being disregarded like this then I won't also be treated as the pathetic person holding onto them. I wanted us to work out and I hoped one day we could be on good terms and part of each other's lifes again, but I can't even see that now. It's not that I don't see them either, I just can't imagine my future in any type of relation to them. It's just dark. There's nothing in my mind and maybe my own brain is trying to stop me from thinking anything more of it than there ever could or will be. 

The worst thing is how this end and the way they just stopped caring at all taints my past memories of them now. All of them are tainted in negativity for now. They couldn't even let me keep that last bit and that hurts more than anything. They don't hate me, or cry for me they just want me gone I guess. 

Maybe I can cry this out one last time, today or tomorrow and then do the same. I deserve so much better than this and I will no longer fall for hollow or half hearted hopes people give me. At the very least I deserve someone who is certain they want to be with me. Someone who will give me a closed off proper ending if they do break things off. Until then I'll have shoulders to cry on and voices who will rage and vent with me when I need it. 

I'll keep trying to tell myself: I deserve better. 

Love Rox🖤