the other side

i made it out. mostly. i wish i had a heart of stone. crush the scissors, curse the name. it took nearly 20 years, but i did it. i wish i could've done it even more harshly than i did. my kindness was not deserved or appreciated. but it is over, for the most part, so i am mostly happy.

i got sunburnt from doing it outside, but i picked outside for a reason. it's easier to be brave when you know there'll be witnesses.

this was such a long time coming. i've wanted this for a very long time. there's this sense of coolness about my head that i think is a mix of relief and exhaustion. is this how david felt after killing goliath?

i practiced chanting 'no, no, no!' before and i promised myself and Him that i wouldn't back down no matter what. and i did manage to stand tall. just tall enough. still a little short, but just enough.

i cried, but part of it was that damn sun beating down on me, burning my eyes. (it always hits you at moments like these: she was just a little woman. all of that, and she was just some little woman.) part of it was tears of irony and acceptance at how much she lies and how much i tried. when i got inside, i leaned against the wall and my body shook and i cried tears of joy with a big smile under my face mask. 'forgiveness' by paramore played loudly in my head as i allowed myself a moment to weep. then i went upstairs and replaced the trash bag in the bathroom.

things are working out. i'm figuring it out. this world wasn't built for me, but i'm trying.

sometimes i really do just wanna hitchhike across the country and see what happens. i'm a drifter. i called myself this, and you reassured me that i'm not, but i am. i'm not ashamed of it until people start acting like you did.

i was given a shitty hand, but i've gotta use something to pull myself up out of the pit.