rant

sometimes you remember things you want to. sometimes you rememeber things you don't. and sometimes, you don't remember much of anything.

i realize sometimes, that i don't remember much from my life. not unless there's a picture, or it's being told back to me. things slip my memory, and moments i think i'll cherish are simply fleeting. there are times i'd like to remember but don't, memories that get distorted with my brain's feeble attempts to fill in the blanks. 

perhaps, maybe more than just wanting to remember things, i want to experience things worth remembering. i turn 18 in less than two months. my childhood is almost over. and yet, i've never gotten to do most of the things i dreamt about doing as a child. i had a wild imagination, and big plans for my future. i wanted to experience life, and live my teenage years to the fullest. i'm not sure when that dream faded, or when i stopped myself from experiencing it. but i do know that i failed. sure, i've had my fair share of experiences, but nothing near to the teenage delinquency i dreamt of as a child. i wanted to be wild. i wanted to be carefree, happy, adventurous. every version of me knows these are things that i am not. 

sometimes i want to apologize to my younger self. somewhere along the way, i ruined her, though im not sure exactly what i did. instead of spending my teens the way i wanted to, with parties and boys and friends surrounding my every move, i've spent most of them sulking, rotting away in my bedroom. i don't remember all of it. some of it's good, but most of it's mediocre.

i don't know where i'm going with all this. it's probably bullshit anyways. maybe in the future, this will be one of those things i don't remember doing. i wouldn't mind that being the case.