In silence, to you. - what I'd want to tell you right now

I'm so tired of it. I've been having this conversation with you so in my head often already that it doesn't even feel like I need to say any more. You haven't heard it, you don't know that I really mean to let you in on my thoughts as a last way to help you. I wanted to help you understand me and my thoughts and hopefully understand why I think about you this way. I wanted you to understand that I don't hate you, I don't want to hate you or even be mad at you. Now I'm even over feeling torn on what to tell you. I wanted to let you in on all the thinking, analyzing and questioning I did because of I can't be with you and see you get happier then at least I wanted you to see things from my point of view and see me as a help in the end. 

You couldn't even give me the chance to be truly mad at you for your behavior. I like you so much, but you've driven my patience to a point of hopelessness where I don't feel like I can hold my anger back from being aimed at your behavior instead of you as a person anymore. Of course, I wouldn't let my anger out on you. I don't want that to happen and deep down, I'm just hurt and you're still precious to me. But with every passing day I wait for you to just message me about what time we could talk things out, I get more and more tired, hopeless and detached from my feelings of love and adoration for you. That's why I wrote them down here to begin with and I still wish they were more complete than they are in that text. I didn't want to forget them in case I would hurt to the point of exhaustion and detachment from my positive feelings from you.

Somehow, you telling me how you Wana do this for me so badly but never acting on it, left me so hollow, sad and angry. But since I don't want to lash out at you in my raw anger, all I've got left is to type out in my notes all the horrible angry thoughts in my mind. The ones driven by loss of patience, hurt, doubt and loss of hope. It's the accusing, offensive and blatantly mad things I want to impulsively throw at you. All because you tell me you care and you wanna do this for me, talk to me as a help for me when I didn't see it as only help for me. All because you once told me you'd want to prioritize me, but you never did. Do I really need to fall into such blind rage or beg you on my knees for you to not just talk but act on your words? How can you say you want and you need openness and honesty and that you'd rather talk things out ASAP instead of wait around, but now you don't act on it? How can you hollow out your words and promises like that?  And how am I meant to not eventually stop trusting your words? How am I supposed to keep myself from believing you didn't mean it when you said you wanted to do this for me? Do you want me to tell myself I'm not worth it to you after all? Is that true? You seem to want me gone so badly... 

How am I supposed to tell myself you still like me and not see me as a burden you want gone? If I am wrong on all this, why do you do this to me? It leaves me no conclusion but to believe you lied and I don't mean anything to you anymore. 

I wanted us to be better one day. I still wish we could be. Now I don't know how I would even talk to you anymore. I don't know how I could talk things out, bring my points up and go our separate ways peacefully. I had this conversation so often in my own mind that now it feels Liek it's no point telling you anyways since you dotn want to hear it. You were only doing me a favor after all. 

I could sent you my rage messages, give up, or tell you to let it be. I could tell you all this, but to what use. It feels like back then when my therapist told me not to give that one guy I never even wanted to see again an explanation of what he did. That guy used to ask for me to do that and I was told not to bother since from what I told my therapist, the guy wouldn't change anyways and I would only force myself in a triggering situation. I never thought things related to you could feel anything Close to that. 

But I could also just give up saying all the details I've already said a million times in my head and even on here and just say the goodbye. No anger you'll see, no thoughts I had and no further depth. Just a goodbye and a wish for you to hit me up in the future ones you've realized all of your internal struggles, traumas and the behaviors resulting of it by yourself. What amount of time would that be, a year or two? I thought if I left one last impact you wouldn't forget me by then and maybe we could try again if we are both in the situation to do so. But since my exhaustion and anger both grow by the day, and since I don't want to hold onto the anger or lash out at you, it might well be the best idea to let it go. Have it be a 

"in the end, I just wanted to say when you are happier, healthier and more stable in the future and should you then look back on what we had, on me, and want to try again, then please let me know. If that happens, then call me, text me or try to reach me somehow. If my situation allows it I would love to try dating you or at least be friends again in better times and a brighter future. I hope I'll meet you again in my future, but until that day, farewell dear". 

I'm so tired of my own emotions and your words not being followed by actions, that I'm starting to painfully think it would be better to let go like this and risk being forgotten, rather than hurting myself by holding on.