guys & dating

to be honest, i can't say i have a physical type. my type is guys who are attracted to me. but deeply so, compliments never feel genuine to me as i said in another entry, especially if they're ephemeral. what i'm really attracted to is a near stalker ish dynamic that surrounds me. and that's not to say i'm into an unbalanced "all me" thing. once i know i can trust someone and that they'll be there, i do reciprocate. but most often in gay circles, at least from my experience, all you find is this wishy-washy all over messy attitude. majority change their type by the week, they have roster they can talk to casually, they've dated everyone in their city, etc.

i know it's me who lacks life experience, but it's as simple as wanting to meet someone on similar level or at least attitude. i have never had an ex, so you'd never hear me mention anyone else and i don't want to hear anyone else's name either. i also have never publicly lusted after anyone including celebrities.  (last guy i talked to did both and ...gross)

there's no way to say things like "don't talk to me if you have an ex you can't get over or if you won't write me a daily poem" on tinder without sounding deranged. so i am getting used to the idea of dying alone. should that be okay? who knows, but it does keep me grounded in a way. at least i know what i want.