how to feel real

sometimes i think i'm asking for too much, that i'm the one who has to change his expectations. but really, is it insane to want to feel "seen"? in a flattering light too. i can't imagine anyone talking about me in third person favorably. i feel as though my wishes are very simple, for someone to remember me, say my name and say it happily and then for them to continuously keep doing that.

that's another issue i've faced. with how disconnected i am from everyone, a short mention or message barely feels real. like it's an automatic email rather than someone's genuine gesture, what would make it feel genuine would be consistency.

right now i only look forward to publishing my art somewhere because i do have that urge as an artist to say what i think in a visual medium to really gasp all the concepts at once. but i keep pushing this because it feels like i'll be saying goodbye to something and i's rather stay in an uneventful limbo.

one thing is for sure, i am meant to do it and leave everything else behind. the timing just needs to be right.