Making the bed

Everything I've done has never felt real to me, it could be because I sometimes forget that I'm a real person and the things I do isn't just something that affects me, unfortunately, I am a human being who is perceived by other human beings and that's just something I have to deal with. I practically live in my head so anything I do in real life never mattered to me, because I always came back to the life I made myself in my mind. But unfortunately, once again, the life I created in my head is not my reality. My reality is I still live with my religious parents who already think low of me because I don't believe in what they believe, I have friends who love me but can never be honest with because I believe myself to be a burden, I have a job that I love but still seem to feel miserable when I'm not working, and I'm alone. My reality is I'm alone in all of this, and I think I will be for a very long time. I thought I was already used to the idea; of being alone, turns out I'm not (obviously). It's like everyone around me seems to know what's good and not good for me. I'm easily pursued by my friends, I don't know how to think for myself, I'm a fish who's just swimming through the current, I should be manager at my job, I'm not ready to move out, I'm not as grown as I think I am, I don't know what I want. Why does everyone act like they know what's best for me? Am I that naive to think I know what I want? Is everything I'm doing wrong? What am I doing wrong? Why does everyone seem to know what they're doing? Am I the only one who doesn't know what I want? I can't help but think maybe they're right. Maybe I am stupid for thinking I'm ready to truly start living, maybe I'm not ready. It wouldn't be a surprise, I've lived in my head my whole life, I don't know jack-shit on what I'm supposed to do. How stupid of me to think the shit I do wouldn't matter, of course it fucking matters. I'm a person who is living in the world with other people, I'm also a person who does a lot of stupid things. Like getting together with taken guys, lying about my life to make it seem more interesting, talking badly about people behind their back, feeling jealousy towards my own friends, getting high while going to work, and thinking everything I've done wasn't real- therefore, it doesn't matter. In the grand scheme of it all, of course nothing I do matters, but that still doesn't mean it wasn't real. The reason why I justified everything I've done is because it didn't feel real, nothing about my life feels real. My family, my friends, my teachers, my coworkers, myself, it all felt like some big budget TV show. When I was younger, I used to stare at myself in the mirror and say my name a bunch of times, and the more I'd say it, the weirder it felt to say. And the more I looked at my reflection, and down at my hands, the more it felt like my psyche was floating out of my body, and the more I felt like I wasn't a real person. I forget that not everyone feels that way, people can just go about their lives, people can do shitty things and move on, people can go through bad things and still continue about their life. But I've developed such a victim mindset, that I just continue to feel miserable about the life I have, and convince myself it'll never change. Unfortunately, that stupid part of me, that sad, pathetic, stupid part of me, thinks that every sad feeling I've felt, every shitty things I've done, every bad thought I've had will all be worth it in the end. I'll no longer feel bad about myself, I could look back at all those times I've felt lonely and be reminded of the things I learned during it. I could leave it all behind me and become better, and everything will just be a memory because it was all worth it in the end. But at this rate, I don't think that'll ever my reality. I already feel out of control, which shouldn't be the case because it's my life. I'm the one living it. I'm the one making the bad choices and having to live with it. And now my life feels like it is out of my control, and now it's too late to take back that control because I didn't know I had it in the first place. I don't know what do. I'm all alone and I don't know what to do.