07.24.24

School’s coming up again soon. I’m not ready for it. I really want to get to my classes this time, and not absolutely give up on my attendance. I wanna grow up, but i still feel like i’m walking without direction. It’s really hard to move with purpose i can’t find one, academically. There’s nothing to motivate me, and nowhere to go after senior year.

Last school year was traumatizing for me i think. Least the last half. Not in the way that a car crash is traumatizing, or extensive bullying is. But not making it to any of my classes, and just sitting & doing work i know none of the answers to on my computer in that room, everyday. I think that was traumatizing. Talking to no one, and feeling shame for searching up every anwser, like a cheat. Asking to go to the bathroom, and walking to the front building girls bathroom— one that was so small and shitty, that it’d be rendered abandoned half the time. Burning my arm so that i don’t cry, and fantasizing about being found by that one teacher i talked to that one time, who made banter with me that one time. Then packing my stuff up and leaving when it was time to go, hating the feeling of people looking at me. I think that was traumatizing for me.

I really don’t want to repeat that this year, but i don’t think relapsing with a razor will be enough punishment-motivation to get me going. It’s scary and i don’t want to. I don’t want to do any of it. I want time to stop and for it to never go again.