To Autumn - A letter unread of words unspoken

*Disclaimer: This blog entry includes mentions of non-explicit intimate encounters. Nothing "spicy" will be described or shown, but this is your disclaimer to be aware of that. This isn´t an entry of "spicy" nature, rather it is an open telling of my personal emotions, views and memories. If you´re a minor reading this, please don´t interact with or comment on this entry. Should you be a minor and read this entry despite my warning here, please find a trusted adult person close to you (parents, guardians, etc.) to talk to should any questions arise*

I found that I have a bit of struggle openly describing my view of Autumn. Less so because of my emotional turmoil regarding them but more so because putting my feelings and specifically how i see them into words is hard. Some things I can´t pinpoint and some others I can´t put into words. Regardless of those struggles though, I want to put out my view on them before we talk again and therefore leave this limbo like state. If things change, I´d like for my view right now to be documented so I will be able to recall it. 

Let´s start easy with why I nicknamed this person "Autumn" on here. Thinking of this person and how I felt with them made me think of the season of Autumn. Being with them felt just as safe and relaxing as I felt when I was sitting in my cozy little reading corner on a rainy Autumn day, reading while occasionally having a nice hot sip coffee from my favorite mug and listening to the rainfall outside. They were the type person I had imagined being with someday as I sat there in my corner of comfort. Someone who I felt like I could have there with me to lean on and be held while openly sharing interests I´d usually feel criticized for. There was a certain level of comfort and calmness I had when being with them, especially being alone with them. I still had struggles fully coming out of my shell sometimes, specifically in physically intimate moments, but not because of them but because I literally have to learn how to openly voice my needs. Autumn is the type of person to ask me for them though, to ask me "what do you want?" and "What do you want me to do?". I don´t think I can make anyone who doesn´t know this themselves understand this with my words, but the fear I have of being asked and expected to answer such questions while being mostly nonverbal is insanely strong. However Autumn didn´t run out of patience and never pushed me too much and I felt excitement beyond my usual fear of disappointing someone when they asked me such things. Being alone with Autumn felt like those beautiful crisp yet sunny days of Autumn when you go for a walk between all those brightly colored trees with friends and just laugh and talk. They were such a bright person when they smiled, laughed, got excited for things. Like a bright, comfortable light that warms you up ever so gently. I could talk to Autumn about my worries and issues and always felt heard. I always felt and therefore knew that Autumn would not just ignore my advice either just because they didn´t particularly enjoy it. They saw were I was coming from, took that in and admitted when they felt I was right even if they didn´t like it at times. I think they knew I wouldn´t give them advice that was aimed towards my own good instead of theirs. And whenever Autumn showed that they trusted me like this I felt closer to them. I loved to see all the ways they opened up to me over time and how they got silly with me and showed me those weirder sides of them. At the same time Autumn would get stuck in their head sometimes, unable to stop thinking and often feeling down from the moment they woke up. In that sense they remind me of those gloomy November days of the season when it would get colder and noticeably darker outside. Those days when the colorful fallen leaves long have been laying on the ground and now mellow out the sound of the rain falling onto the cushioned ground. It´s the days that are harder to find joy in since they feel heavy and grey and have a terrifying tendency of swallowing you up. I think Autumn feels like having such days a lot. Especially when they started to distance themselves again and began thinking and self-isolating, I can´t help but wonder if their feeling of being entirely lost in their life came from having been swallowed up in the darkness of those days. I don´t hold that against them, those November days are as much a part of Autumn as the colorful, sunny days with crisp air, hot drinks and soft scarves and jackets to warm you up are. The thing that Autumn seems to not always be able to recall during those November days though, is that beyond the cold rain, darkness and shades of grey outside, there´s still a house with the light´s on, standing strong regardless of how many rainy days it has seen so far. No matter how often the weather beat down on that house it still stands there, strongly and it´s inside held warm by the hearth in it. And no matter how often life beat down on Autumn, somehow they´re still here, fire burning inside of them even if they may not always see it´s there. To me, they´re all of this and more.

Warmth is still the first word that comes to my mind when thinking of them, shortly followed by safety and peace of mind. Contentment I felt so clearly when I was laying in bed with them is such a rare occurrence for me too. The way my own worries and fears seemed to shrink and suddenly appeared more manageable around them, I felt safe. Of course I didn´t suddenly loose all my fears, but I felt like I wouldn´t break under them and my well known urge to run away revealed itself to me as a reaction to my own fears. A reaction I could finally see to be unnecessary and therefore was able to not go through with. I trusted Autumn so easily and strongly that I was able to always fall back on that feeling of trust when I felt like running or when the unreasonable thoughts of doubt I am so familiar with came around. Autumn´s need for movement and exploring new places and things also fit amazingly with my urge to do the same but my inability to get myself to do such things alone. I was excited and happy when we got to meet and even more so when we had plans of going places or doing something specific. They pushed me just enough to be able to leave my comfort zone and explore new things about myself I never really had the chance to explore before. 

Autumn was able to make me laugh and smile and be silly. I remember when we were play fighting and after losing as I always did and always enjoyed as much as I would have winning, they told me they were genuinely happy at the moment. That the usual negativity in the back of their mind not being there at that moment and them just being happy. I think that was one of the most intimate moments I had with Autumn. Someone like them telling me that, knowing how much they struggle in their daily life with that same negativity always being there and even the feeling of neutrality being uncommon for them by themselves, it meant so much to me. It means so damn much to me how this simple thing we did as we just hung out in my room one evening, made them feel this way. I wanted them to feel like this so much more. I feel the tears pricking my eyes knowing those memories may soon be just memories without the joyful hope to make more like them in the future. They may well start to feel like just a daydream I had before settling down as a distant memory. It makes me desperately want to hold onto Autumn even more, those saddening thoughts I have had the last 2 weeks are always followed by images of hugs, kisses and holding them. I am writing this one before texting Autumn, as I promised, because the moment I hit send may be the moment that ends up being the catalyst for the end. I still don´t want to lose Autumn. 

I don´t want to lose Autumn´s touch and I don´t want to forget how their voice sounds. Their deep voice always felt soothing and gentle. When the said they were sorry for singing along with their tunes in my car because "they weren´t a good singer" I´ve had enjoyed every bit of them singing, regardless of how objectively good it was or wasn´t. I had glanced at them and enjoyed how the added songs and talked about them until it was just me driving and them listening and softly singing along. They fell asleep later and said sorry as they woke up when we arrived home. I told them I really didn´t mind and it was all fine, but I didn´t tell them how I had noticed them being asleep and smiling to myself. I didn´t tell them how I had adored their peaceful sleeping face as we were waiting on a traffic light. They usually woke up before me most days so this was a delight I didn´t get to see much. 

What I got to see and feel was Autumn themselves though. I got to see such different sides of Autumn in such a short time and I gladly took in all of them. They looked so effortlessly handsome in jeans and a t-shirt and so elegantly beautiful when they would wear my skirts and dresses. They way that black short dress clung to their upper body accentuating their shoulders and chest before the smooth fabric flowed down their waist and hips, they looked incredible. The fact that I not only got to see them like that but was also the only person at the time who to do so, my God. I recall the way my hands slid over that soft fabric following the flow of their waist and hips until I felt the warmth of their thighs underneath my fingertips and palms. I recall the look in their eyes when they got excited, looking me straight in the eyes without any hesitation. A look showing a second of what looked like possessiveness, maybe momentary infatuation and excitement, dancing behind their eyes with the thoughts of touches that would soon follow. There was such determination in their eyes at those moments that it nearly scared me would it have not been for the overwhelming excitement of feeling their touch. A touch enabled by pushing and pulling each other just enough for me to let myself fall and allow myself to experience intimacy in a way I only allowed rarely and only few people so far. I think Autumn might have been the only one so far who I experienced such intimacy and excitement with while also being able to imagine a long term relationship with them in the future. I miss the feeling of my hands against their chest or holding onto their thighs. The way they reacted to my words and touch and the way they could make me just as weak seconds later. I remember sitting down with them and doing their make up. How I tried to make them look the way they wanted and how they just sat back, enjoying getting their make up done and trusting me to just do my thing with it. It was so peaceful and yet exciting. All the gentle touches we shared, them holding onto my thighs, getting to kiss them as I took breaks to look at my work and they way it was hard to hold back when they pulled me in closer. I feel my heartbeat pick up even at the memory of it. And Gods they looked stunning with their make up done, standing tall in my dress and their heels, towering above me in size but willing to fall to their knees at just a word of mine. They only managed to look even better later with my lipstick marks on their body being the very same shade of lipstick I had put onto them before. Goodness, Autumn´s beauty came in so many shades. There´s the memory of me laying in their lap, head thrown back in ecstasy, mouth slightly agape and eyes half closed, still looking up at them as long as my body would allow me to do so. I remember the way there was silence around us, nothing but the sound of my breathing growing heavy and Autumn talking to me as I held onto their upper arm. I don´t think I´ve ever enjoyed my own vulnerability as much as I did in that moment in their lap and I´d be lying if I even tried to say I didn´t long for a repetition of that memory or others like it. Hell, if I could do it on here, I could say so much more, but maybe it´s for the better I can´t. This way I´ll keep those memories for myself. Still, one thing that I know for sure is that Autumn got more beautiful to me the more I got to see them. They were always attractive, they were when we first met as friends and they were when we met again and started dating. They were so attractive that my head went blank in such moments but no praise I could have told them would have truly shown my feelings as I wanted them to be seen. 

I wish I could tell them all of what I wrote here, but now I fear it would end up guilt tripping them and back then I feared they would run away from me if they knew how deeply infatuated I was with them. It´s a tragedy the very person who made me feel and think like this and who deserves to hear every word of admiration and falling in love with them is the one person who will likely never read this. If things go well I´ll tell them all of this and more, but in case they don´t, I´ll end up just needing to accept it wasn´t the right time for us and that my fear, much as I fought it, still kept me from telling them all this when I had the chance to do so. I miss you so much that I don´t regret a single tear I cried over losing you, Autumn. For those 3 months they were a safe haven for me, a precious person worth going through hardships and throwbacks with, a bruised treasure chest slowly revealing more of their beauty, vulnerability and oddities to me and at times the temple and God I´ve praised as the most unholy words fell from our lips. I got 3 months to begin reading the story of a person and I´m glad about the chapters they allowed me to see and those I was able to be a part of, but yes, I am sad over the fact I won´t be able to keep on reading and writing with Autumn. I´m torn between fighting and giving up and my hopelessness grows a little each passing day. I`ll probably be hopeful again tomorrow, should they answer me at all, but now that I have written all of these thoughts of mine down, at least I feel more at peace with the ending, even if maybe just for tonight. Whatever happens, I hope Autumn finds love not only with someone, but also within themselves and for themselves, cause the only person who at the moment can´t see Autumn´s beauty, charm and wit are they themselves. They deserve so much more than they allow themselves to have. Goodbye for now ******.

Love, Rox ♥