you

fear of disappointment is such a funny paradox; and yet despite knowing this, it always ends the same. it wraps its jaws around my mind and bites down with incredible strength, paralyzing me, ultimately ending with disappointment. the worst is when it comes to disappointing you, someone i care so greatly about and i feel as if you could care about me. someone like you interested in the likes of me is nothing more than a pretty dream. i've never had someone so attentive to me before, having always lived my life away from prying eyes, it terrifies me. i feel like a giant spotlight is following me at all times and i MUST perform.

appreciated for simply existing, something i'd never had before; but then the fear of disappointment sinks its fangs in once again. the poison filling my mind, what if you see me the way i see myself? so i push away from it because it's safer that way, supposed to hurt less that way, so why does it feel like hell? i wish you looked at me through the same lens i look at you, days are brighter i feel warmer; i turn to the mirror and it's boring, grey, and cold. there are days where i wish i never knew you, my ignorance bliss, peaceful. you've made my mind such a mess, so many emotions constantly running through my head and i can't seem to keep up with all of them.

maybe then i wouldn't have to mourn my mistakes an amazing person through i don't fully deserve. you brought a new excitement to my life simply by existing, i had a reason to feel good about myself, to put that extra care into myself because i didn't want to disappoint you; but it wasn't enough, and the worst part is...it's no fault of your own. i was paralyzed in the fear of you seeing me through my own eyes that i rejected every bit of it.

what an awfully funny paradox.