23/07/20XX - this is the worst year of my life.

im not sure why it took me so long to realise. and its not like i was denying it either, i guess i just thought there was no way that this year couldve been worse. but it is. i also dont know how even after i experienced hells week i didnt think this year was worse. i have genuine, GENUINE trauma from that week. and even though things are getting better, im always terrified and on guard. like someones always watching me... 

becuase last year i chose to be alone. i learnt a lot of things about myself by doing so, and that entire year was learning about who i am. but now, im truly trapped. i know too much and, i dont know what to do with it. last year i was in a terrible school, but there were people and i had friends. not best friends, but there were people. this year im stuck at my broken dysfunctional home, i dont even think i have a place to call home. ive tried hard to make friends at my online school, but theres no one. no one at all. im more dysphoric, i desperately want to be a boy. last year i was so comfortable i could even wear dressess. my anxiety is 10x worse, im terrified of the passing of time. i never thought about that last year. and my hope for the future? last year i knew everything would be fine. now, im not sure. all i can do is hope. reach out for my future self, and hope for him to be okay. and ive actually wanted to die multiple times this year. last year? nope. not even a thought. 

the reason why today was the day i realise that this is the worst year of my life is a bit odd, but it makes sense. 

today i woke up to my mum messaging me saying shes going to take all of my tech to figure out why my restrictions (which i turned off) dont work. my heart sank and i started panicking and giving exusues. that sound stupid, but to give you context in hells week i got everything taken away and was verbally berated for days, considering suicide, and my dad didnt even wanna look at me.  and i was having a traumatic anxiety attack from the fear everything that happened would happen again. but i went to school, still sick to my stomach. i tried watching some videos, but i was scared. then my dad came in saying that a teacher was coming to visit to me, i really didnt need this right now. because, out of anyone in the world right now im the most fake in front of the people from my online school. she came in, we went on a walk, she kept asking me how school was and all i could say it was "good, so far." while internally i had been sobbing my eyes out for hours. i was so anxious, i was freezing.  

mum made me reinstall the restrictions, luckily i did it on a second account without her thinking about it too much. but the whole time i was horrified and shaking. and after a fair few hours she gave up trying to install one of the things and said she'd do it another day. so im feeling good, now. only now. and i pray to god that she forgets. 

please. 15 year old me... will everything be okay?