disasterology

screaming "gonks!" when i'm in a store and see obvious eyes hidden by hat statues labeled "gnomes"

listing out every possible insult i can think of to, "what did i do?" in response to "die."

dramatically dancing out exactly what the lyrics are saying to a song playing out loud, as if i'm a mime

staring at strangers passing by, too involved with each other to realize i'm secretly planning out seven different scenarios to write about based on inspiration purely from them existing

extremely loudly going, "wha!?" when someone says my name in a group conversation that i 100% zoned out on

putting on lotion at 10PM knowing i'm going to pass out at 1AM but i just enjoy smelling that strawberry scent while i sit and fool around on my overly large laptop

going on a four hour binge of watching APMA awards and kerrang interviews then immediately opening spotify to play blackbear and pretend i'm in 2017 again as if a moment prior i didn't wish it was 2012 again. how quickly i can switch my wish from a simple song.

randomly twitching and then immediately proceeding to look up at my partner and kiss their cheek exactly 17 times before turning back around to pretend i'm not secretly wishing we'd lay awake forever just existing

staring at my stuffed animal and feeling all of those same feelings i had when i was 10 and bought him for the first time, and those 8 years since, i've never cherished something more

pretending i'm driving a stolen ferrari on a very large freeway with purple and blue stoplights around me while only listening to the song spotlight by lil peep

staring at my peers in the crowd around me at a small venue concert, seeing how sweaty they are, how in the moment their eyes are as they dash everywhere but at the people around them, and sinking in to realize that i'm too busy doing the exact opposite; staring at the people around me wishing i had the courage to enjoy myself like how transparently they are. maybe if i stopped looking

on a multiple hour car drive, staring out of the window, listening to welcome to the vanity faire on loop blasting, witnessing the exact same made up MV in my head and sighing longingly each time it ends

getting that feeling i had in 2018 from simply reading a jeff the killer fanfiction, looking outside of my backyard to the large line of deep woods staring back at me, and from my mother and her boyfriend screaming behind me, deep down i did wish with my entire soul one of those fictional serial killers appeared just to steal me away

i almost died a few times with my best friend, but the entire time i was laughing because i was with her. and each time, as if it were common sense and defied any fear i've always had of death, i realized how okay i was with simply dying in that moment because she was laughing with me

realizing that no matter how many times in a car full of people while blasting mr. brightside, i'll never be able to write out that inspiration that it gives me for jaxon walker, because it's a moment

each time i'm feeling a bit down i return to that one bryan stars interview, andy sixx 2011 with matt good, in that blue tent. and each time i have the same wish. i just want to meet that cool dude

confession that i think about someone kissing up my spine way too much in my free time. it's a problem and this is the only and final time i'll confess this so make sure to soak it in

and realizing that i've only been typing this for so long because i've been eagerly waiting for my best friend, and my lover, to return back to the apartment, so we can all eat tacos and watch the boys together. and now, they've arrived.