procrastination really makes me feel dumb

for the past month.. actually nah, for almost a YEAR i've been putting off taking a test to get my food handlers permit that i need for my job (idk how they have not fired me yet) 

that being said i have not been studying all this time, although i knew i've been needing to take this test since last october. what's even more insane is that i already took this test once, early spring this year, and guess what? i FAILED it! all because i did not study. mind you that shit is like $25 bucks to take.

my fucking fault, of course. so i had to again do all 15 lessons and quizzes online again during the spring and had that shit rescheduled for the following early summer.. but as you might have guessed, i didnt study Again! so the day before the second test date i quickly rescheduled the fucking test. that was a month ago, and it was rescheduled for THIS MORNING. so you wanna know when i started studying? THIS MORNING.

after two hours of stress studying on quizlet right before i hopped on this website i think i'll be okay. i'm about to leave for the test in a few mins but i needed to vent about this fuckass brain for a second before stepping out. i'll finishing this thought when i come back- its 12:30pm brb

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okay i've returned it's 5:02pm

 and uhm

 I PASSED with an 85

finally. wtf was i saying?

it took me fucking months to just sit in front of my computer for two hours and study some terms and degrees for one singular fucking test. i still have this issue, with with my divers permit, i've been somehow avoiding for actual years mind you. i cld be doin that shit right now. but something... is stopping me? nah (it's all in my head)

this shit is frustrating, and i have a feeling people who don't struggle with this shit are prolly reading this blog with confusion on their face rn. you know what, i didn't think i had ADHD before long but it's starting to look like i do?

more story btw! there's this book my friend had recommended me over a YEAR or TWO ago that i had bought around that time, and it has been sitting in my closet collecting fucking dust ever since. so guess when the fuck i started reading it...??? yesterday.

but it get's better, wanna know why i started reading it yesterday? because i was procrastinating studying. for the test. i had this morning. 

like what. 

it cancels out i guess???

the question now is how The Fuck do i get over this procrastination shit?

it's like i'm watching myself through a window and i'm yelling at the glass to get up but i don't hear myself. it's so frustrating?? why am i being a stupid piece of shit??? why can't i get the job done the first time?? am i fucking crazy?????

that's all. i'm gonna go procrastinate 20 other important fucking things and delay my whole fucking life for absolutely no reason at all.