So depressed

It's gotten bad again, I've been battling this damn mental illness for decades, sometimes the melancholy feels almost to familiar, like a boring paint color that you're stuck seeing everywhere, all the time, never ending. 

I've tried picking up hobbies but they always get boxed up and put away eventually, and sometimes I come back to them but mostly they just collect dust. I don't even know why I try to find joy in things anymore, because once I start to feel an up, something comes slamming me back down. I wish the sorrow would end, the memories that linger as a ghost. 

I miss you, I want to speak to you. You'll never be able to see me again, our parting was a permanent stain in history, one that no matter how many ways you twist it; you cannot make it happen, you cant bring back something so intense and life changing. It only happens few and far between in life. I'll no longer be able to hold you, hear your voice, and laugh with you, and it hurts. badly. even after 3 years.