entry #9, 7/18/2024 4:04PM

welp. its officially been one whole year since my ex left me. i feel surprisingly okay, i guess. 

about a month or two ago, i sent them an email apologizing for my actions, and it made me feel a lot better. i hope it somehow helped them as well, but i will never know. technically, the anniversary was last night at 1 in the morning, but i was sleeping as soundly as a baby, no thoughts of my ex in my mind. 

funny, in the beginning stages i was counting the days until the breakup anniversary, i was so sure that i'd still feel like shit even a year later, and yet i had completely forgotten about it, only realizing it was the anniversary several hours later, and i don't cry remembering it was on this day a year ago where i felt (what i thought was) the most guttural pain in the world. i feel like that's growth.

obviously, i've changed a lot since then, and i think a lot of my change is for the better. i think i may be getting better, so that's cool. i wonder if my ex knows its been a whole year since we've spoken to each other. probably not, but its okay cause it doesn't really matter anyway, does it?

for a while, my plan for this day was "get as wasted as you can, and cry your eyes out." but i don't even want to do that. i just want to continue on with what i was doing, continue on with my life as per usual, cause i'm okay.

earlier on in the process of my grief, i remember i would occasionally go back and read our final messages to each other, reliving the moment, thinking of the things i could've/should've said, the possible outcomes that could've happened if i had played my cards differently. every time i did that, i would cry, because i was putting myself back in that moment again. but, not too long ago, i will admit i did read up on some of our messages again, and i didn't cry that time, i didn't even feel sad. i read them, and i thought "well, its whatever. its over now, there isn't anything i can do but continue on with my life." and i felt good.

getting broken up with sucks, its one of the worst pains (excluding physical ones) that i can imagine. you carve out a space in your heart for an entire other person, you make that person your other half, you become that person and they become you in turn, so having them ripped away from you feels like shit, i wouldn't wish it on anyone. but it only hurts the worst in the moment when it happens, it hurts for a while after, but once you get back to your routine, your normally scheduled living, then it starts to feel okay after a while. the hole in your heart heals, you start becoming yourself again, you remember how life was before them, and everything is fine.

but anyways, enough of this writing. i'm going back to what i was doing. bye