some sad thoughts to let things out a bit

My father will die at some point. And in the next few years, 5 to 10, my grandparents, and maybe my mother will weaken as well. And I or my brothers will follow. And I feel awful because, well, nothing seems to be going right in the world, in my world at least. I observe the beauty that sits in front of me every day and wish I could praise it or be in awe of the fact that I am here and I’m alive, but with death so enveloping and twisted into my mind, I fear I can’t quite comprehend anything anymore with out a prickled sheet in front of my eyes. And my brain is wrapped in barbed wire, squeezed tight by my own hands. But I never stop bleeding. Slowly, and painfully, my life will end. And perhaps most disturbing of all is that all those around me will fade as well, and what will we have to show for it? Everything has crept up on me and I feel like drowning in a river of loneliness and exile. I want to make everyone proud, I want to make everyone look at me and say “wow you are worth something” but I know I’m worth nothing as long as I don’t show anything for it. Am I a good person? I could be better. Am I intelligent, and could I make an intelligent decision? Most likely not. And those among me will say I am just pessimistic and moping because I actually do have worth. But, the truth behind all of this is: my friends will, in time, forget me. My family will move on. Everyone I’ve interacted with, no matter how much we have connected, will continue life, and I want to instill in them the ability to help others and make others happier. But I myself am not happy, and I’m lost, and I want to die sometimes. It’s gross that I think this way, but I just have no direction. And I’m 25 and I just met with my mother again. And she tells me to just do things. I agree. I just wish I wasn’t so horribly scared to do things. I feel like I have no skills to offer people, and I would like to hone those skills before impressing others, but the reality is that I am prone to going back into these habits of sadness. And this will cripple me forever. And I just want to not be crippled, but I have to get over and live with it. There’s something inside me that desperately wants to create and make more things but my ideas are gone. I have none. No ideas. No ideas that are feasible or worth doing right now. And I just feel useless. I feel useless. I feel like I’ve wasted all potential I could possibly have, and am weirdly sitting in this box of complacency. And maybe it will forever be that way, but sometimes I emerge from that box and feel free to try things. Most of the time though, I’m in my box and I stare at lights on a computer screen blankly as I wait for myself to do something. But I just don’t, I just can’t. I want to scream to others and say “Hey, help me, help me figure myself out!” but the words don’t come out because I reject others. My head constantly feels like it has been filled with tar or some muddy water, and any spark I get is quickly snuffed out as I recede back into my usual tactics of sadness. People tell you to disconnect, to completely remove yourself for a while, but it’s just so impossible for me to do that because I’ve tied myself to new technology so much over the years. And I need it for practical reasons. I’ll takes walks and might feel better momentarily, and then the long term sets in and there’s nothing that I do with my time. It’s just a bunch of wasted time, and here I am, at 25. What do I have to show for it? Some cute little projects? I want to grow myself into an actual artist and I’m sitting at the bottom of the silo being smothered in grain. And I do nothing about it. I feel like I’ve done most everything. And my focus has never recovered. I’m less focused now than I was 5 years ago, and I thought I was bad then. Just so sad with my own state right now. I want things to be better, and I want to work to get better, but I know some of these things are inevitable and will be intertwined with me as long as I live. More than anything, I want to just stop and listen to music again, or watch a movie, or play a game, or stare at nature, or go on a walk, without a voice in my head that tells me what I should be doing. There’s far too many things in this world that I want to do and I’ve overwhelmed myself. But now I’m not doing any of those things effectively, and I feel like I make people suffer because of it. My parents and siblings worry for me. My friends are there for me but I rarely want to break down because I see it as inefficient, and every time I have done so in the past I’ve just felt worse for making others witness me in such a state. I’m just miserable with it all, and don’t know where to turn or what to do with my life at this point. Everything is up in the air and everything is floating, and I feel like I’m at the bottom of the ocean, or in the void somewhere. What do I do? What do I do? Maybe I don’t do much of anything, or maybe more? Or the same? I don’t know.

this is not a super deep cry for help, i just wanted to let some thoughts out. thank you for reading though, and if you want to talk about things i'll do my best to respond