I have no desire to be vulnerable

I am a terrible conversationalist; I find it incredibly difficult to talk to new people unless we are on a very similar mental wavelength. I recently listened to a video about improving one's conversation skills and it mentioned that being able to show vulnerability was an important aspect in opening up to people. Of course, that makes perfect sense! It's so simple, but... I have no desire to be vulnerable. My mind has been shaped by life like the weathering of rocks from tidal cycles. I have been conditioned to be hardened--to not show vulnerabilities as a sort of risk prevention.  

It's the same reason why a post like this exists. These are things I have no desire to talk to my friends or family about, let alone strangers I come face-to-face with in life. My surface-level vulnerabilities seem insignificant in the larger scheme of things, and most of them are just side effects of my more fundamental vulnerabilities anyway. 

I can never quite tell whether the person I'm speaking with has gone through similar experiences, or if they are someone who will never relate to my own struggles no matter how many conversations we have. I don't like to take this gamble, because it has upset me in the past. If someone shows me pity for my surface-level vulnerabilities, I completely shut down. Because if they think those are deserving of an "aww, i feel so bad for you" then how am I supposed to build up to telling them anything more? It's my hatred of pity that makes me feel this way, but how do I tell someone that I don't want to be pitied without sounding like an asshole? I'm too passive. I wish I could be different, but I think this may just be my nature. 

I've recently been thinking about desire, and how wanting something is such a powerful driving force. I do *want* to talk to people, but there are some key parts of conversations that I am incredibly averse to. I find it hard to reciprocate in the ways you need to in order to make connections with people. But maybe now that I am aware of this, I can actually try to suppress the instinct that tells me to not show vulnerability. 

Also I'm aware of how ironic this post is. On this account I basically only discuss my vulnerabilities (albeit, just the surface-level ones). Talking about things that weigh on me in this small, semi-private space makes me feel a little bit better and allows me to actually arrange my thoughts into a mostly cohesive whole.