Eating disorder things

Having a persistent ED is so wack because it’s so sneaky. Like you’ll recover and you’ll think you’re fine, but a few months later here you are stuck with the same old thoughts and habits you had before. That’s how it is for me, at least. I think this keeps happening because I’ve never recovered for MY OWN sake, it’s always been because someone forced me to. I’m not ready to recover. EDs don’t work like that, it’s not that easy to just say “you’re gonna recover now,” it has to be something you’re READY for. Otherwise you just relapse every time, making absolutely no progress and starting back at square one.

I think this is a pipeline I’ll just have to follow until I actually am ready to recover. There’s no running away from it, no getting out of it early, it’s just something I’m gonna have to live with until I can’t do it anymore. And honestly, I find a certain comfort in it, even if that seems crazy. It sounds insane at first, but there really is a certain familiar comfort in being able to count everything and control everything. It’s something to focus on that keeps the other horrible thoughts at bay. Don’t get me wrong, it’s INSANELY unhealthy and coming from someone who’s been through it, the physical side effects of an ED are SO not worth it. Being cold and tired all the time, horrible insomnia, only ever being able to think about food, it’s awful. But once you’ve already been stuck in that cycle for years, it’s not something you can just get out of like that, even thought you KNOW firsthand how terrible it is.

So yeah, that was my little (hopefully non-triggering) rant on EDs. It’s such a hard topic to speak on, but it’s really important and there should really be more awareness of it.