i just wanted to get this out of my head, don´t mind me lol

I don´t really remember when it started anymore but my heart hasn´t had the will to love or even care for myself, in a very long time. The only states of being I´ve been able to identify in my day to day life are numbness and weariness. Joy is rarely added to the mixture and, even then, it only lasts a few hours after I get home.

My parents are mad at me for not doing something (anything) with my life, or at least help in the house. I get it but they don´t understand I can´t bring myself to do anything at all. Not even things I like. I barely can get out of the bed and go to college without responding to the tought of jumping to the train tracks every morning. I mean I won´t do it because I still have some hope for the future (plus, it would be very painful) but my brain still sees it as a possibility.

Everytime I ask for professional help or at least understanding they either get yell at me for "implying that they were bad parents" or dismiss it and tell me I just need to concentrate and get my shit together. That I already know what I have to do.

I tried looking for a therapist on my own but it´s too expensive and I don´t have a job. Looking for one is nearly imposible given the state of the economy in my country. I´ve tried doing sports, sewing, reading, drawing, playing the guitar instead, but nothing seems to make me feel better than leaving my house. Hanging out with friends is the only thing that makes me want to be alive at this moment.

But my parents prefer watching me rot in my bed all day than let me go out for more than two days in a row without reproaching it at some point. They hate my friends too, specially my mom. Everytime I say I´m going to see them she starts talking about how they are trying to take adventage of me(???) when all they do is expect reciprocity for the way they treat me. I stopped talking to one of my best friends because I let that idea get in my head and there isn´t a day in my life where I don´t regret it. My life is driven by other people´s desires.

There was a time where I had my shit together. I´ve always been a little lazy but I also did everything that needed to get done. Now I tell people that I´m reading for my assignements or cleaning my room so I don´t feel as unproductive, yet I still can´t see the floor nor have I learned anything about what Francois Dubet thinks of the education system.

On that note I never even wanted to be a teacher but it´s the only career that would get me a job that pays me enough to leave my parent´s house in a short time. It pains me to say it, but this house doesn´t feel like a home anymore. I don´t feel welcome. I just feel like a stranger that eats at the same table and occationally gets asked about their day.

When I´m in my room I hear them talk about how they are tired of the way I am and how they hate me. It is very painful. Sometimes they do it even if I´m with them, without adressing me. Like I´m a spider in the corner of the kitchen wall. But today my mom did: "You are a lie", she said. "I am tired of having to put up with your shit. All you do is lay in bed all day and thing you are above everyone else, but you are not. If you don´t start caring about the people in this house, I am going to kick you out".

I think I preferred it when they said it in secret. Nobody should know how bad their parents despise them.

The more I spend time in here, the sadder I get and the more I go out, the worse they treat me. 

My grandma is the only family member, besides my little brother, that doesn´t seem to dislike me and yesterday I spent the whole night with her at the hospital because she is very ill. I am trying to hang on to the hope of her recovery because I don´t think I could deal with the dejection that her absense will cause me. 

I am deeply sad, constantly. But I don´t want to tell that to anyone in my life because they would either laugh and tell me to find me some real problems or worry too much about it, so I´m wrinting it here where I don´t think someone I know will find it but it will still reach a human heart that understands the way i feel and say "Hey, don´t worry".