summer depression or spliring? (vent/rant)

i cant tell if everything just feels like shit and its too hot for me to try to enjoy things that would make me feel better (being outside) my birthday is in a month and I'm once again at the point of not leaving the house unless to take out trash or get food, I think were gonna mover after our birthdays and I hate my birthday it makes me sad thinking about how ill be 16, and ughh everything is so...AAAAAAaa I'm obsessed with this book now and I want to make puppets and draw and cry and fuck as always, my yearly issue, I'm single again, but I still wanna find someone irl, which has never worked out here, the people here are so mean and judgemental, there was a nice Tgirl I was talking to but I couldn't stand being so nervous, id go non verbal and only meow, she thought it was cute but I was always dying inside, I was never able to make myself clear on things, but that's whatever, I keep thinking about auggie, my ex, I miss him but I'm still so upset, he said he wanted me to be more serisos about our relashipp and that he wanted to be treated like when we first got together and I got so nervous that I had a nightmare, so I started telling him sorry an that ill be better but the next few days he says he wants to break up so he can work on himself, and I try to be understanding but wed keep each other followed and id watch his acc, and he posted about his ex, the person he cheated on me with and said he hated, but he said " Relizing I was the happiest in his bed chat what do I do" that was a huge punch in the gut to me, we said wed fix things, he said he was sorry and would never put he through that again but it feels like it happening all over again, I unadded him for now, blocked him on my main and unadded him on dicscord, stalking him from my alt yaknow the usaly, but fuck, when re reading Be kind my neighbor, (SPOLIERS) the sence after wegg has a relizion with himself, when lew is just laughing and mister neighbor grabs him by his throat, cryying and lew gasp out "You know...he loved me first".. that strug a cord, it makes me feel sad, and a bit bad, like I did something wrong and that's why he doesn't love me, he said it was nothing on me but I always feel like I'm not doing enough or I'm weird but I've told him so many times, I express my love differently, idk I just wanted to vent, I've been so sad, ill walk around my house thinking about that one line, thinking about how ill never be good enough to get real love, I've settled to the point ima have to pick a stuffed animal who will love me, but been my first love P.P. is gone, P.p. was a Pink unicorn named P.p or pink pony, I loved them so very much, I had then for 2 years and I lost them the beginning of this year, after I lost them everything started to fall apart, I wasn't able to see my therapist again and I stopped talking to a lot of people and things have only gotten ore down hill, I hoped I could try to stuff something else in the spot they left in my heart but nothing has helped, no one has made e feel better, nothing has made the pain go away and no one found them, I miss them so much, I wish they were here, I wish things were better, I wish I could just turn into a hyena and go into my cage with all the toys and fluffles and etc, I just wanna feel comforted and happy :<