12/07/2024

TW mentions of ED

Went to the movies with my ma today. I saw the new 'A Quiet Place' movie and was sort of underwhelmed? I did enjoy it but it was sort of lack-luster iykwim. I still had a lot of fun today :) I also got some new clothes that I actually felt looked GOOD on me omg!? Me and my ma went to have Korean and then caught up with my sister who I hadn't seen in a month, and then had Hangi she got from a Marae which was so fucking nice to have after so long. My grandad used to make it every month but as a result of growing old, he can no longer do so.

Addressing the elephant in the room... I ate around 500 calories over my maintenance and although I feel slight guilt for it, overall I don't mind too much. This was the first time in a while that I've been OUT out of the house. It's been so long since I've been to the mall that whole shops have been built bahaha. It felt worth it I guess? It WASN'T a binge, which usually consists of going to shops and buying a bunch of processed shit that I don't even really like that much. I'm simply eating it for that dopamine rush. This time I was present in the moment and making a memory, something this disorder doesn't allow me to do too often. And so, I'll choose not to beat myself up over it. I'm just going to keep it rolling and get back to my routine tomorrow :)

Tomorrow and the next day, I'm going to do a fast. My ma promised me that she'd go on a hike w me which I'm excited about. She gets worried about me going by myself and so I only really get to go on one once in a blue moon. Tomorrow, I might just go down to the supermarket and do some shopping in order to get my steps in. I was also thinking of maybe walking the hill? But I'm not too sure about it. I'll see how I feel.

Oh, by the way!!! I got back in touch with my old friend!! She told me she understood and that we should go see a movie sometime. Maybe next week or the week other. Honestly, I'm just so happy. Thinks are going in a more positive direction within only a few days.  I haven't been arguing with my ma, my friend is in my life again, I can go to college just next year to study something I love, and my family are offering to chip in to help me heal from this ED. I truly feel like maybe I'll be able to make progress even though the mere thought of such a thing seemed utterly impossible before. It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders just by opening myself up to help.

I wouldn't say I'm ready to start recovery (on my own). But it feels like a possibility now if I have a professional to guide me through it and my family and friend supporting me.

That's about it. Gn xx