11/07/2024

TW: Mentions of ED

I know I said that I would fast but I just REALLY wasn't feeling up to it. Recently I've been feeling like utter crap and I'm also constipated so I had to get some fibre into my diet. My body is constantly heavy, my chest feels tight like there's something heavy on it and I constantly get pins and needles. It's not good. I think eating actual food starting next week compared to processed and packaged foods will be better for me but I honestly just really want to recover or at least up my calories even if my mindset isn't necessarily fixed. I'm scared though. Every time I try doing so I end up in a binge cycle.

I didn't feel shitty again though in terms of mood. I felt pretty good. The sun was out today and that always does wonders for me, and it especially effects how much I enjoy walking that day. I went down to the store and had tuna + two fibre bars. By the way, it's almost like they change the recipe for those??? I used to be able to eat a bunch of them at once cause I really enjoyed them. However, I tried them today and it sorta just had a very chemical/gasoline taste to them. It was just sort of disappointing.

Tomorrow I'm probably going to eat quite a bit since I'm going to the theatres with my ma. Honestly, I don't mind too much. I don't think it will have much effect on weight gain if I eat more for a day and I can just fast for the two days afterwards. Besides, I just look like shit no matter how much I lose and it's cause I'm skinny fat. I really want to start working out, but I need to up my intake if I want to start gaining muscle sooo...

I'm just hoping that that plan I made will help me build muscle? I saw someone on reddit talking about their experience with the rolling 48's fasting plan and apparently they were able to build a substantial amount of muscle so yeah :D