Stuck in time.

Heyy, today was a really great day. Met some friends and talked with them, and that is exactly what made me notice that they are "adulting" and I am not really changing that much lol. I dont mean that I am immature for my age, just that my dreams and interests are stuck in time in comparision.

It was something I noticed before, but sometimes it gets more noticeable and it is the first time it happens since I started this e-diary. Despite having plans for my life and actively doing the things that are needed to achieve them, a lot of my "hobby-related plans" are things that were big in the early 2010s, which make me feel that my mind is in a younger state. Alcohol, dating, kissing, kids, career and et cetera arent really things I think about, the first four never occupy my mind and the last one is more a necessity than a dream lol I am working towards having a career that I like, I would even say that it is something that will bring fullfillment to my life, but I daydream a lot more about talking about my career in a podcast or making people happy with a great academic research than my everyday life in my future job.

Basically, I am still a kid running after approval, wanting to be liked by my teachers, friends, peers and et cetera. I dont really have a concept of being proud of myself, like, I cant see any worth in anything I make or do if there isnt someone saying they liked or approved it. Great grades? Proud and happy teachers. Knowledge on a subject? Can help friends and make them happy. I think that you got it... It wasnt always like that, like, I always liked to help people, but I wasnt so self-critical before, I helped because I believed that everyone could make the live of others easier (and why not help someone in something you can do?), but now its not only this, I am also kind of desperate for approval and will always only see what I did wrong in interactions... Its not only about helping anymore, is also about stop feeling unworthy.

Maybe only the things I dreamed about when I was a kid are the ones I can say with absolute confidence that they arent based or influenced by external approval. Or maybe they are things I just need to experience to be able to feel that I "completed" a phase of my life and can go to another. I dont know, I am just thinking too much when I could be sleeping... Just one more little thing, I really dont want to sound dramatic, I know I had a lot of luck in my life and didnt have to experience a lot of hardships related to poor  people (I am by absolutely no means rich, but had to enough for a comfortable life, always knew that there would be enough money for food, for example), but I wish that I wasnt "socially punished" for doing things that just dont allign with gender norms (even before I knew what exactly they were). Thats probably why I have this sweet spot for the emo and goth subcultures, they arent only beautiful and related to horror (which I like :P), but these are also some of the places in which being considered sweet as a guy isnt looked down upon. Nowadays I have incredible friends and et cetera, but I wish I could have also a healthier mindset, I wish I knew I wasnt the problem when I was little (even nowadays I feel unlikable and cringe at myself when I notice feminine mannerisms in videorecordings of myself, no one needs to critizice me anymore, I do a great job doing it myself :P).

Funny how quickly people can get confortable in sharing pretty personal things in the internet, isnt it? But that is also one of the beauties of the internet, I remember reading and feeling unterstood in a rant a person posted, so maybe this is my turn to give this feeling to someone?

Even this post is a proof of what I said if you think about it. This site is based on nostalgia and, even here, in general, I notice that the users are younger than me on average. Probably even my posts sound more teenagey than theirs lol.

Music of now: Slenderman (also, of course, sorry for my bad English, I wish I could express myself better in this language...).