a female white knight's magnum opus of the banishing of her prior inceldom, a memory in which i truly delight....

my life is not a very... happy,.. one.

i will fully take accountability for the fact that this is 100% my fault, i blame no one else for this fact, i know that at any moment i could pull a wildcard move and "get outta dodge" so to speak, but... well, i don't. so a part of me feels as though i honestly have no right to complain. another part of me is screaming on the inside, begging to be heard, listened to, pondered, seen. i suppose i will detail a small portion of the saga of lusynth (me, fentanyl, etc) and the curse of the never-recognized love and loyalty. for now, let us delve into the pre-hellscape beauty of the lamb who did not notice the wolf's teeth gripping her neck more and more, until it was too late. this is where i want to go when i die.

i met him in my ex's basement, he had come to sell us some meth. our normal dealer and everyone else we knew was nowhere to be found or heard from, so jeff (my ex) decided to call up the prolific and highly infamous jay. i remember that before he got to our place, the basement of a shared home between 3 or 4 recovering addict punk types,  jeff had been inclined to give me a comical "talking to" about how this guy jay was so DANGEROUS, a REAL criminal, and someone that would get someone like me into a *lot* of trouble, therefore, he advised me not to interact with or get his number. from that moment on i was extremely excited to meet this jay character, for what a grand introduction jeff had given me!!

when he arrived, i was first taken aback by his hairstyle- a tuft of uneven, matted red dreadlocks. red hair with dreadlocks was something i had yet to see in this world. the man was 49, gruff, of equal height to myself, and looked quite a bit like woody harrelson in the face. what a fucking dream. i knew i was in trouble but he then took it one step further and pulled out a flashlight- but this was no regular flashlight- the man had cobbled it into a sort of clandestine/prison architect design that could START A CAR. i was, and have been since that very moment, immediately swept away by the tides of the most pervasive, undeniable, and addictively noxious love that i have ever felt in my life. i was in love with jay from that moment onwards

it took a few more visits before i was able to find a way to offer him my phone number, against jeff's will, of course- so i took to filming jay from the bedroom window when he would come over and work on his and jeffs cars. he himself was the pilot of the most beat up and beautiful piece of shit bright red geo tracker that i have ever seen. what a fucking whip. it was when he came over, with a very sressed out demeanor and speaking of having to move all of his belongings to his storage unit on incredibly short notive- that i sprung my chance. i offered quite giddily to help, offering the use of my car to carry stuff to and from the old apartment. he actually accepted. i had to hit him up repeatedly in order to get him to finally respond in a way to tell me he was ready to do the seemingly daunting task of moving all his stuff from his old apartment on tryon street to his storage unit on independence blvd, near to sardis rd north. 

naturally i was more than happy to help, and looking back, i dont believe he would have actually got anything done if it wasnt for my being there and taking the reins on getting it done. it was 6 loads all in all, and once it was finished, i was subjected to one of the most sexually tense/romantic scenes that i have ever been so lucky to live through.

the whole time we had really clicked with each other, i remember asking him: "do you like industrial music?" to which he smiled, and nodded. the first man i had ever met IRL to share my love for rammstein-esque synth riffs and strange gothic-metal aesthetics. swooning at this point, we went to smoke meth together, in an empty storage unit near to his. he picked the lock on it to let me in, which BLEW MY MIND- as i have always admired the art and aspired to one day learn the craft myself due to my copious amount of time spent playing the elder scrolls oblivion. this man ticked off every box and more, blew my fucking mind dawg. i know i will never meet another person that could even come half as close to the nearly godlike status that jay already had secured within my heart and gaze. 

he invited me into the newly cracked open empty unit to smoke meth out of a bong with him. i was more than happy to do so. he lit the bowl, took a llarge breath in- and proceeded to blow the most incrediible and perfect smoke ring that ive ever or will ever see. halfway to the floor, it was spread 3/4 the surface area of the room. dragonlike. lovely. heart wrenchingly badass.

as it was time for me to leaave, he grabbed me and... kkissed me. very deeply. probably the most daunting and memorable kiss of my life to date. he asked: "so, what are we gonna do about this..?" and i could tell he wanted to take it a step further. i did too, to be honest. but i couldn't, and i told him so- "i need to break up with jeff first- it's only right." so that's what i did. and then after, we became our own unit together, for a while- it was heaven on earth. the most beautiful and exciting trip of my life, getting to know this man- or at least, that's what i thought until i learned the truth, much later..... we can discuss that at a later date though. for now, revel in the best memory that i have had the pleasure to remember once again- delight in it.

thank you for sharing such an intimate piece of my story. it turned tragic after while, but that doesnt discount the beauty of it all.

2133, elriel, aeon flex.

<3