7/10/2024 more boy talk!!

It's like 2:40am and I'm thinking about my bf and the guy that I think I like. Because like I can go on and on about both of them fr. Earlier today my bf decided that he's no longer gonna ghost me iggggg, and that made me remember why I fell inlove with him in the first place. But then again, I still think it's too soon to say I love him. He has curly hair, and it's kinda long. I think he should grow it out a little more so he can get a better haircut later on. I haven't told him that though. He kinda looks like an edgar and I think that's cute lol. He has a cute face shape, and his eyes are adorable. His voice is kinda annoying, but I think that's what I like about it. I like how he's demanding and needy. He's not like clingy either he js has his moments yk? However, I do wish he wanted me more than he says he does. Like I want him to love me, I want him to care. If I'm not constantly on his mind I don't want himmmm. Jk lol

But then this other guy, who I've known for way longer, is so much more sweeter. It's not like he's into me like at all I don't think but a girl can dream. He has fine light brown hair, he lets it hang in his face it's so stupidly cute. His eyes are beautiful. They're kinda droopy but very playful. He reminds me of a dog almost. I mentioned he makes music right? He also goes live a lot on different apps like TikTok, Instagram, Twitch just to promote his music. Anyway, today he went live, and I was kinda pestering him...to play Minecraft XD like I was commenting just his name multiple times and I switched from his artist name to his real name. Which caught his attention, he said "What Kiara? Why do you keep saying my name?" and he was giggling about it! His smile was so cute in that moment I swear I was melting. I liked that he really singled me out, said my name and my comments made him giggle. Omg before that interaction, he said "You're just addicted to Minecraft huh, Kiara?" gawwwwwwshhh THAT made me melt!! When we finally did get to playing Minecraft, I made sure to dm him so he can let me know that he's on first. I giggled to my friend about it "omg I dmed him." And he did! He let me in first, and while we were playing, I made sure to stick by his side. He's horrible!! He grabbed me just to show me how he was pouring lava onto sheep!! 

I feel horrible that I'm not into my bf. I feel even worse about how I said "I don't even love him I'm just dragging him along" if I brought this up to him, he'd definitely laugh at me. But if I talked to the other guy, I feel like he'd give me actual advice fer sure. Ofc I wouldn't be like "Hey I have a bf, but I like you more than I do him, what do I do?" It would be more like, "What do I do if I like another guy more than I do my bf?" yk try to be sneaky abt it. God I really hope he doesn't read my blogs about him. Because I would ask that same exact question and if he was reading my blogs, he'd know who that "other guy" is.

Idk I'm just really stuck right now. My boyfriend is so chill about breaking up n all, it scares me ngl. It makes me wonder if he rlly is talking to other girls and I think that's why I'm not rlly attracted to him. If I knew how much he really wanted me, how much he really loves me I might yk actually like him. But I know he's just trying to use me, so it ruins every romantic thought I had about him. I can't listen to a love song ant think about him, I can't think about cute little things I can do with him because he told me himself that he wants to ruin a girl. He wants total control over me he wants to rlly fuck me up. He told me this himself I really can't deny any of it. It changed my view of him completely. I knew he wasn't a decent guy, I just thought he could still be loving. I know he can't. He has like zero empathy it's hard to really talk to him. Whenever I talk about things I like or show him things I did he disregards it completely.

 But if I talk to the other guy, he shows total interest, he listens. He appreciates my work. He's such a nice guy it's hard not to like him. He has other die-hard fans like me, and I kinda hate that. Like, I'm proud of him for gaining all this massive support and all I just wish he was giving me all his attention like it was back in December-February. He's everything I've ever wanted. I can't tell him any of this until I'm 16. But then again, I still wouldn't be his ideal choice, he wouldn't want to be with a younger girl. I know I'm not the only girl that thinks about him like this. I know I'm not the only girl who loves him this much. I seriously love everything about him. Earlier he was talking about how his biggest insecurity was his smile, I was thinking about how that was my favorite part about him. His lips are so uniquely shaped, whenever he smiles it makes a perfect shape. His smile is perfect. His smile, his eyes, his skin even. I love everything about him. I'm probably the only fan that can point out all these little details about him and admire each one for hours at a time. I honestly wonder what he thinks about me, am I just another fan or am I a friend of his? 

I can write a book just gushing about every part about him.