On Stress.

I think stress is one of the ubiquitous human experiences. Everyone experiences and acts on stress. Stress is a mind killer - a game of balancing china tea cups on spinning disks, a juggling of fears, responsibilities, and doubt.

I think, mostly, stress is irrational. Much like anxiety, it's an irrational fear of failure. Despite the clashing and crashing of the china falling being a real threat, the majority of the time, I feel like I'm trained in balancing acts. Maybe I'm failing to draw a line between anxiety and stress, but the two are practically indistinguishable at the moment. 

I'm going through a lot of stress at the moment - a lot of firsts that I'm mostly unprepared for - and I've seen that the people around me handle stress much differently than I. 

It's an issue I have - to run my mouth to people I shouldn't. I know it's an unhealthy environment to even have the fear that my emotions won't be taken earnestly nor in good faith, but it's an environment I'm confined to, for now. Those around me, especially those who I would have expected to help due to societal or cultural norms, tend to deal with stress with the weight of an anvil and the force of a bear trap - close up, snap out. 

It's a complete mind fuck for me - my first general rule in life is that socialization and communication are key. They're the foundations of healthy relationships and societies. To shut out others dealing with similar afflictions is a boggling personal woe. 

Should I simply accept these relationships for what they are? Years of therapy and near stagnation have suggested that this is the case - but to cut people out of my life emotionally feels just as egregious. (Have you gotten that I'm talking about family?) It's probably also a fool's errand to try and trust cultural norms. They never go well.

Am I a hypocrite for saying I'll write on happier things and then going on this shpiel? Yeah, duh. Is this my blog and I can do what I want? Yeah, duh.