10/07/2024 Feeling good for once???

TW: Mentions of mental health and eating disorder. 

Listen, I have no idea what was in the air today but I was in a really good mood today. Woke up feeling sort of shitty this morning so I ate something. Had some soup and chocolate and was expecting it to hurt my head but it didn't? I just felt energized which isn't something that happens often for me nowadays. Also noticed that my body dysmorphia wasn't as bad as usual :D. Went on a walk today AND enjoyed it ??? Popped on graduation and watched some people skating at the park nearby.  Usually it feels like a chore but despite even the shitty gloomy weather, I still enjoyed myself. I was in such a good mood that even though I went over my calorie limit by a few hundred, I didn't mind whatsoever. I have a feeling that it might have to do with the fact that my period JUST ended but yeah :DD. 

I usually avoid twitch/youtube drama but its been on my feed since yesterday so I finally decided to watch some videos about the situation with Sketch. His response stream was honestly heart breaking but it did make me happy to see MOST streamers supporting him, unlike a certain few people (looking at bruce and sneako, don't know why they're still on the platform). In particular I was listening to agent talk on the situation earlier and though he was saying things I've heard literally a thousand times before, it still touched me. I feel like although I'm still VERY immature, I'm not as narrow minded as I was as a teenager. I remember my therapist and family would always talk about how there is light at the end of the tunnel and that things will get better, I NEVER believed them. I'd been struggling for years and it was never getting better.

However, I feel like experiencing the world even just a little bit more than I had at the time + being overseas gave me more perspective on how life can be?? Experiencing more ups despite the downs has also given me more of a desire for life. Obviously I'm still in a rough spot but unlike when I was younger, I now understand that it's not the end of my life. Even on days that I'm really struggling or want to die, I can still calm myself down a little by remembering that I'm still at the start of my life and I can still pick myself up, that I still have plenty of opportunities to live the way I want. I know it doesn't come across that way in my posts so far but yeah... I finally have goals and dreams that I hadn't seen before or that had felt so far in the future that they had felt simply impossible to keep living for but my perspective on shitty situations have changed. I struggled a lot but I kept going and I can't help but feel grateful towards younger me for never giving up on life although things felt so dark. 

I feel like I'm getting a little sappy and I also know that I WON'T feel like this all the time and that there are days that I'll look at this entry and think 'how idiotic' but I don't care, I'll enjoy this feeling and bask in it. Nowadays, I try to be as present as I possibly can on good days. I used to be scared to have good days because I was scared that things would get worse following that day. I've self sabotaged so many times before just because of this. I've realized that it's utterly useless to do such things though so I'll just take it for what it is lol. 

Anyways, this post has been a long yap session but that's what journaling is for :D. It's been good for me to get my thoughts and feelings out on paper. I hope everyone is having a good day. I'm about to play some of that visual novel, chill and listen to some kanye! gn xx