9/07/2024 Change of plans??

TW: Mentions of mental health and eating disorder. 

Didn't really struggle with not eating today again, but my body feels so fucking heavy. It was a struggle trying to get my usual 10k steps in. I had some salt + drank a lot of water but I'm not sure how I'm feeling about the rest of the week. I'm considering simply breaking my fast tomorrow night before returning to another two day fast. It's been a while since I've done an extended fast but I do remember getting extremely fatigued. I'll see how I feel tomorrow and if I'm really struggling to get my steps in, I'll give in. I'd rather keep my net cals in the negatives than not eat anything and not burn anything. 

My current plan for the week looks like this 

Mon: Fast 

Tue: Fast

Wed: <400 cals

Thur: Fast

Fri: Fast 

Sat: Diet soda or monster

Sun: Diet soda or monster

Honestly I can't really think of anything to say since my brain is extremely scattered atm. I tend to get the worse brain fog during the second day of a fast in particular lol. It probably also has to do with the fact that this eating disorder has made me fucking DUMB. I find myself forgetting the simplest words. I honestly think I sounded smarter when I was literally 12 years old and it's seriously sad. Usually I study around 6pm-8pm but its taking me like a good minute to do a single flashcard. Half of this is probably my fault because I ate like absolute shit right before I started the fast (I only ate chocolate :p). It's strange how I can survive with my shitty diet but immediately fold when it comes to not eating at all. Why the fuck is that? It's not like I'm getting any nutritional value out of anything I'm eating. My diet honestly isn't as bad as it used to be since I've started eating protein (although it's just tuna and protein bars) but it's mostly all processed junk. This is half the reason why I'm planning on eating only 3 days a week. It's too mentally draining for me to sit down and plan meals w no food waste. Just spending $60 on Doordash and maybe a bun from the store in a week would cut down on costs by like $30. Call me lazy, I don't care. 

Starting next week, my schedule should look a little like this: 

Mon: Fast

Tue: Fast

Wed: Omad (Doordash)

Thur: Fast 

Fri: Fast

Sat: Omad (Doordash)

Sun: Omad

This should help with the stress of calculating calories and also hunger levels?

Today, I brought another Otome game by the way!  Being inside all the time has just made me fucking lonely man. I fantasize about having a boyfriend, someone who will love me unconditionally but that will never happen because I'm not ready for a relationship mentally (nor can I even meet a guy in my current situation.)  I have a feeling I'll remain a virgin for years and years because I'd be too terrified to even show my body to the guy I like, y'know? Sometimes I feel like I'm still fifteen. Like my time froze. I'm so behind compared to my old highschool classmates... And so now I have an addiction to reading all sorts of romance manga, visual novels, etc... (Especially content featuring Yandere men :D) I'm somewhat content with it ig? But obviously you can't replace the presence of an actual human being. Either way, there's no point in brooding over it since there's nothing I can do about it in the first place. Just have to keep it moving. 

Nothing much happened today but my ma brought home a microwave from her job which I'm excited to maybe use at some point? Not sure what for but it's always exciting to have something new and fancy in the house. Oh right, and I also started rewatching monogatari series from hanamonogatari because my memory is shit lol. Hopefully I can start off season this week! Anyways, I'm probably just going to finish off with my studies, finish this route I'm doing and go to sleep. Good night <3.