I'm Afraid

I'm afraid of growing up, but more importantly, I'm afraid of myself. I'll ruin myself for an ounce of attention, for a little bit of love. I obsess over people hard, I beg for them to just want me, it doesn't matter how. I'm scared that I'm going to ruin my own life, and that I won't even notice when I do. I've done it before, I can do it again. who's to say I'll get out of this one? 

life is stupid and wonderful. I want to die some days and others in thankful that my blood flows in my veins. I hate being here, I want to die. truly, really, I do. but I would miss all of this. I wouldn't get to love my friends. I won't let my sister bury her sibling. I won't let my cat wonder where I went. I'll keep living, because sometimes, when the sun hits my room just right, it feels like it's all worth it. 

I want to care for someone, I think because I don't care for myself. I want to wash and dry someone's hair and hold them close. I want these things, and yet, I want to be taken care of. I want someone to love me, to be as obsessed with me as I am with them. I feel like it's an impossible ask. if loving someone because they love you isn't enough, then there's no way that anyone would devote themselves to me as I do to them. I feel as though I'm nothing special. 

and then, I go manic. everything is perfect, life is great. I know I'm ruining myself and I can't control it. I watch, outside of my body, as everything falls apart. I could die for this. living for it is too hard. 

I think I'd die for anything if it looked at me like that. 

anyways, hi guys.