Entry #030 - I'm Not Fine Anymore!

Out of the blue. Completely unexpected. No preparation involved.

My husband has been acting strange and distant for the past week. Then, on our only shared day off, he left the house in the morning and did not return until it was dark out. He did not text me all day, except to complain when I had an anxiety attack and called him. This is very out of character for my otherwise very nurturing and loving spouse.

That evening, he stated that he wants to leave me... for a woman... so he can have children and start a family. Two years into our GAY marriage. I really, really fucking wish he figured that out before promising me a long, happy future together. We've been together since before the pandemic. We grew so much together. He was my safe space, my emotional support human, my security blanket, my teammate, my partner. I was so in love with him. He looked in my eyes and told me the same. 

My life has been completely flipped upside down in just one day.

To say I am devastated is a complete understatement. I broke a personal record: I had FOUR panic attacks in one day. I'm running on roughly 1 hour of sleep. I texted my supervisor to tell him I was too suicidal to come into work today. My husband is out visiting friends and family today, presumably to share his good news with them. I'm venting to the void because being productive feels too overwhelming right now. I need to sell my belongings so I can afford to move, because I can't stay in the house we got married at. We got married under the oak trees in our back yard. It was so beautiful. I've been tossing out photographs and boxing up items to get rid of. I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed. Terrified. Traumatized.

What he did to me was very cruel. I don't care how anyone wants to flip it. 

07/07 will forever be a date associated with the worst day of my entire life. I thought we were happy. I was happy. I feel nauseated and my head hurts. Our lives are so intertwined and it's going to hurt like hell trying to undo everything. I feel so, so broken.