8/07/2024

TW: Mentions of mental health and eating disorder

Didn't really struggle much with my intake today but I feel like that's always the case when you're on those first few days of fasting. I have a feeling that I'll be feeling fucking miserable by the end of these five days but eh. I feel like compared to simply restricting, I get a lot more clear headed when fasting which is a big plus but it's also usually a big fucking mental battle. It's not as bad as usual though since I have something to look forward to at the end of the week with the concert. The more I stay shut up in my room, the more the days feel shorter and shorter. I can really feel myself wasting away my life. 

I've literally been a shut in for two years now. I have no life and I have no real options at this point in time. I dropped out of school because of my eating disorder and I also couldn't hold down a job. My prior boss probably hated me, I was constantly low energy and dead looking. I have no friends after losing my only friend at the start of this year because I'd gained weight due to a binge cycle and refused to go anywhere or see anyone. I've spent the past 6 months trying to lose weight so that I feel less ashamed stepping outside. And now, I can't do anything. I can't get a job with no references (I have zero connections), I can't do a course with no high school diploma, I can't get in touch with work and income services in this busy period. I have no choice but to just sit in my own misery lol. 

I've developed anhedonia, at least that's what I think it is? I've had it before back in high school when I was really depressed and it feels the exact same. It sort of just feels like I'm just going through the motions. I wake up, I enjoy my thirty minutes of happiness where I'll weigh myself and eat, and then I just wait for the next day and for my next meal. Nothing really brings me joy the way it used to. I fucking dread the next five months because when I think that this is how it will be for the next 150 days (before I'll finally have options as a 20 year old who can go to college), I feel utterly suicidal. 

It's not even like my constant restricting even works. It never does, and I know that by now. I hold extreme fear towards food but it is simultaneously my only joy in life. My life revolves around it. I eat one day and my immediate thought is what I want to eat tomorrow. It's the only thing I look forward to. I lose weight so that I can eat without 'judgement', so that I don't have to fear looking 'fat' after a meal. When this is my mindset, is it any surprise that I'm constantly binging and restricting? I end up just looking so painfully average anyways. So why don't I just recover? Because I've completely forgotten what it means to eat 'properly' or what a normal portion is. I either eat like a feral beast or like a fucking ant, no in between. When I'm trying to eat 'healthily' or 'normally' I feel like a robot. I count my macros and my calories but then I'm reminded that I'm eating a normal amount and I immediately get terrified that if I end up binging that the weight gain will just be all that much bigger. I feel like I have something to fall back on when I'm restricting so heavily and I'm not necessarily wrong either. It also feels like it's not worth it to be eating so much? Like, I'm maybe spending another 30 minutes or so doing the one thing I enjoy doing but in comparison to the rest of the day where I'm utterly miserable, it doesn't feel like a big change ig? It's probably just my mindset of viewing food as little more than a comfort rather than fuel but I can't do much about that atm. 

Honestly, I just want everything to stop. I feel stressed 24/7 and life itself feels like a full time job. I've even thought about just eating whatever I want and becoming fat like I used to be. At least I still felt joy and had hobbies. Sure I was self conscious, but I still am. I get down to a new lowest weight and realize that It's not that great so I lower my goal weight again and that process keeps on going. Back when I was 14 and 80 kilos, I truly thought I'd be so happy being in 60's, let alone the 50's range but I'm even more miserable now.

Anyways, leaving this on a better note. I'm looking forward to the concert and I may be able to get therapy at the end of this year so that's something to look forward to?