begrudgingly signed up for interpals (again)

i've been studying languages on and off for a while but have never gotten anywhere with them, partially bc of lack of motivation, but also because i know for a fact true progress comes with exposure. it's so hard to find good language partners online that won't either ghost you or try to flirt with you. Or both.

right now i've been trying to learn Spanish to hopefully one day connect with my family more (I'm Puerto Rican) and also hopefully leave the country, possibly to Spain. I'd love to live in Italy or Greece given my current affinity with their ancient histories and culture, but i figured before i learn Italian or Greek, I should at least learn Spanish first. Rip the band-aid off and get it over with.

My mom deliberately refused not to teach me Spanish because "it's a colonizer language!" and because she decided to be all fake-woke, I am severely disconnected from my own extended family and culture. it's low-key been the crux of my pain regarding feeling like an outcast, an alien. like i don't belong or fit in, and like I'm always going to be misunderstood. (though tbh i probably would've felt that way regardless considering I'm emo, queer, and possibly ADHD but I don't have the money for a diagnosis so idk)

I doubt I'll really reconnect with my family since they're all out of state, and are all alcoholics, but it would be nice to try and reconnect with my culture a little bit. idk what I'm looking for, and i doubt i'd have an amazing time honestly considering my history of trying to connect in the past, but i still wanna try.

i've tried multiple different apps and sites to try and find a pen pal, and the only ones that seemed to work IMO are HelloTalk and InterPals. Both are trash. they're basically dating sites atp. on InterPals especially, it's just a nonstop, constant spam of messages and harassment and it's so overwhelming.

and also, i consider myself a fairly open-minded person. i've talked to so many, uh, interesting people online. i went through a phase where i just wanted to figure out how people worked and why they did what they did, and why they thought what they thought. needless to say, i won't be doing that again. not because I'm not open-minded anymore, but i just don't have the mental bandwidth right now to really put up with another unhinged rant about why said person I'm talking to hates minorities or whatever. i really don't. there are so many people like that on InterPals that just have a chip on their shoulder, pretending to be High IQ Debate Bros™️ but in actuality, they're just arrogant and think they know the whole world better than anyone when they've never left their fucking state lines. Arrogance is probably the worst trait a person could have. It's so ugly.

anyway, I'm gonna give interpals another go, and hopefully, find some cool Spanish speakers to talk to in between my own independent studying sessions. if not, i might have to just give up, or pray that a native Spanish speaker that i vibe with falls into my lap or something.