comparisons

i’m comparing a lot these days. it’s not like i mean to, it just happens. i count the times you would have done something with me or for me, verses what actually happens with the people i’m around. i recounted how you took interest in my interests and willingly tried things that i liked, and i appreciated that  i was thinking about how you prioritized me in certain aspects and made sure i was taken care of. i’ve never had someone open the door for me or bring me breakfast in bed regularly. not without my asking, anyway. i was so not used to it that it came as a scary shock, almost too intense.

but now it’s been something i crave deeply. i’ve been unconsciously searching for that kind of devotion over and over again. i need to heal first, i keep telling myself that. the comparing just does not stop, no matter what the situation. i need to get over this.

reminding myself: you said you couldn’t trust me, and i would have had to cut off good friends that have been there for me more than anyone else in order to make you happy. it wasn’t meant to be. i need to move on.