I had pizza for lunch today and it killed my vibe

Im tired of trying to make my page pretty. It is what it is. Just like my writing. Not pretty. I am NOT a poet. I cant make sentences sound pretty. Thats not what i look for in a sentence. It's a personal preference. Im just typing.

Its hard not to care about pretty. Pretty stresses me out. And if i try to resist pretty - to spite it - well, then it's ugly...and no one likes ugly. 

But IDGAF!!! 

Ok i do. I doooooooo. Pretty is so.... prettyyyyyy. I want it. In fact I want pretty and clean. Clean would be nice, too. Neat and tidy and clean and pretty. 

So, if i dont have pretty, everyones whispering to eachother, "Oh, it's so ugly," and I'm like, "whatttttt?? ughhhh. WTF!!" But if I DO have pretty, then I'm just like "OMG!!!" all the time!!! Like "ahhhh!!! I have it, now I gotta keep it! This thing is here it's in my hands its heart is beating and we need some fuuucking ice, people!" So stressed and freaked out! 

So i try to just ignore pretty and neat and clean and tell myself there's some inner zen i havent found, but trust me its there!, and when i find it pretty will come. and its ok to just sit in the ugly, its only temporary after all! I dont need to try - it'll all find me! I just need to focus on going, going, going! Don't slow down! Don't look around! Don't think about pretty! It can be a mess! Mess is preferred! 

So, here I am in my fucking mess!