Feeling: confused

This is the first fourth of july ill spend away from my family... doesnt seem like it would b a big deal but... it is 2 me.

Its a silly holiday that nobody cares ab but it was always a fun one w my fam. they annoy me but... still hard not to b there. and i know no one else here cares ab it and they all think its silly that i care what we do, but its special 2 me and it just makes me miss home when i think ab it so i HAVE to do something fun and special. or i wont b distracted and ill go cray-Z. 

other than that, life is ok. im trying to practice just rolling with it. water off a ducks back. no one can hurt me. i take things personally. well idk if its taking things personally or just really really internalizing things. i know people dont mean to hurt my feelings. no one wants to do that. but its hard for me to not hear things or feel things that make me feel really bad about myself and really ignored. I dont know how to communicate how i feel without being overly emotional and then people think im like really upset. so i just say nothing instead but then it just gets pent up and i cant stop thinking ab it and i get obsessive and then a simple little thing feels like the end of the fucking world and it feels like no one will listen but how can they listen if i am SILENT!!! and then damn now im just pissed off and isolating myself. sooo. idk. im trying to be better tho. im trying to not expect from people when i give them so little to work with. i know the problem is with me. but idk. sometimes its hard not to go into defense mode to save myself from self-hating too too much. but then i just pity myself. 

and thats no good either.