july 1. 2024

i try so hard to be happy. i have a loving boyfriend who i love and who loves me and makes me so happy and i let him stay in this apartment we can share with the pets who love us and bring us happiness. puppy is literally flying around like those videos of monkeys in a bathroom.

im stressed so badly. a big part comes from how im treated by everyone, which sounds so silly and self obsessed. i dont like that i sound insecure bc i dont feel insecure,

when i get dressed, do my makeup and do something to my hair i feel pretty and confident. i know how to dress my body even when i feel bloated and gross i still end up happy enough.

that is not the issue the issue is the words strangers say to me. just last 7 days i had from "grown adults" been called,

"the other vagina" by someone when i told their friend to clean the fucking dildo and told her to use wipes. i assumed this was a queer couple and i hadnt talked to them before this sale.

"a bitch" "a huge fucking bitch" and "a cunt" for telling these people they couldnt try clothes on after just kicking a group of teenage boys out for the same thing, (in front of them). they had also gotten mad at me that we had to put back to school out before toronto pride. i work for an american company, it is due to be done w pics by a certain date AND the city i live in celebrates pride LATER and we actually put it back out for that month...

and the less interesting. rude, disgusting, scary, evil???? i literally do not care i just do my job n ask what i need to and i literally have ppl act like i want to steal their boyfriend by offering the loyalty sign up... ppl try to convince me they are better by telling me they work so a stupid job i wouldnt want to do. girls trying to make me look stupid and laughing while telling me a skincare routine to cause permanent chemical burns.

even in my personal life im being perceived in ways that makes me so sick and sad.

growing up my entire life i was different and i was too dark and too scary which is fucking insane my makeup shade is 170haus labs for fuck. i was literally bullied for being scary BC of the fact i was native. and growing up on the rez no one ever made me feel not native and i looked like everyone all my cousins and stuff.

but i cant go there and i cant have a relationship w those people. but im not white enough for white ppl reaaaaally  and im not dark enough for poc and im not native enough for other natives bc my fucking evil asshole dad didnt want me to have my culture (generational trauma makes this make sense hes evil for many other reasons).

i cant even be mad but my 2 new friends from work also also brown poc (middle eastern and south american) except they arent mixed or are mixed with another country in the same race. they are both actively connected to their culture, know their language, travel to their country. i feel like we all look equally poc, we all are reallyyyyyy similar skin shades and in pics it looks the same. 

they call me white constantly. one even made the joke today that they lose me in winter bc i said i used to bleach my skin. i had to tell them it wasnt permanent luckily and the reason i look more tan in old pics is bc my hair is hot pink and the picture was taken on a digital camera in 2012.

i even compared arms with the other one and she was lighter than me yet she is never called white EVER. i literally carry a fucking government id that classifies my blood quantum.

im tired and im sad and im so lost. my race, sexuality, past, diagnoses are all questioned constantly by everyone. no one really ever believes me