!!vent!!

if you get easily triggered by topics such as sa, suicide, depression, self harm, death, pls dont look down

I hate everything and everyone. It's like the whole world is against me, even the universe. I can never find peace with anything. Everyone and anything I like ends up fading away. Even the one, the only one person I thought would stick with me left. I'm not the best person, I know that. I have episodes, bad ones. In a flash I could cut anyone off and when they ask me why I'd just stay silent. What do I say? I don't know how to explain it, I didn't know up until recently. Since I was little, or well since I started growing, my body maturing, I never felt safe. My own brother put me in sexual positions when I was very young, at the time he was a teenager. We had our clothes on, yes, but it still haunts me. That wasn't the last time he did something weird. Once, I was looking around a store and was passing through the female underwear+pjs area and he came up to me, picked up a bra, and said "This would look good on you". He tried looking down my shirt multiple times, touched me in a weird way (caressed my feet?), and so much more which I can't recall. I felt confident, I felt ready to tell my mom. Hoping something would happen, hoping it would all stop. But no, he cried, he pleaded, he said he didn't do any of that, he said I was lying. My mother thought it was a good idea to bring us BOTH in a room and talk about it. In the end she believed him. What did I expect? I just felt betrayed, why wouldn't she trust me? Believe me? The other day he even leaned in and sniffed me, saying I smelled good in front of her. I showed obvious discomfort in my reaction yet she blamed me. I felt like I was making it all up, like it was a nightmare I had once that was so vivid it stuck with me. I was going to tell my Dad, but I can never have it my way, right? He died that day. In a car crash. It broke me. I did a whole 180 with my personality and everything. I had to endure touching and hugging my brother. I felt unsafe. I was scared of wearing shorts and still am. Since 9 I contemplated suicide, yet it was never as bad as it had been since 2022. I researched if you could buy certain pills, had panic attacks over it, thought about jumping, strangling myself, everything. Just for an escape. I have no one to talk to. I know they'll offer an ear if I asked them to, but I'd just bother them with all this. It's hell. Everything he does is okay, when I do it it's not. I can't even joke. Countless times I have resulted to any form of self harm, tried my best to be obvious about it in a way. I tried my best to be obvious about my problems. Praying someone would notice and help me, comfort me, be there for me. Yet all I can do is pray. I've made it so far, but I don't wanna continue. Nothing is helping, I just try to be online as much as possible to escape from them, from everyone. I barely have motivation to do anything. I just wanna sleep, it's the least painful escape I have. I envy all of my friends, they have their duos and trios. I have no one. I just have people I talk to, but they never actually care about what goes on in my life. It's obvious. Even in trios I was always the solo. I appreciate life in some moments, like when I watch a movie, get the character I wanted, watch a show, buy new clothes, look at the sunrise and sunset, look at the beach, look at nature. But it's hard staying. I don't want to do this anymore. I just wanna go, anywhere. Eating is hard too, I just hope there's something I'm heavily allergic to in the food so I would drop dead right there.I don't even know what I want to be in life, I really just wanna be dead. I want to be with my Daddy again.