6/30/2024- blog 20

Morning entry:

Woke up early, sister leaves for camp today for an entire month. I can't really go because the car doesn't have enough space and sitting it the car too long makes me vomit. I'll have the room to myself, but frankly thats more demotivating to leave it. I'm thinking of moving the desk from the basement to my room. I'll figure out a place for it, It would 

Played for a few hours, and then showered and went on my phone for a bit. Its all politics no matter what app.

Mostly women's health rights and such makes me the most depressed.

Even if I don't identify, it's still going to affect me, its not fair.

I don't plan to have children, but I have higher risk of ovarian cancer and cysts and if I were to live anywhere outside my current state in the future I might not have access to help in terms of early detection and treatment.

A lot of republican reps seem to want to make women's healthcare overall illegal or as inaccessible as possible.

Like if some things they talk a bout were to pass you wouldn't be able to get protection or contraception, abortion, healthcare during pregnancy, or government support or maternal leave after giving birth.

It makes me scared to go out in the world because all it takes is for one bigoted man to be selfish, and if I wasn't able to keep myself safe it could ruin my health and body and there would be nothing I could do about it.

I hate being a biological woman and I hate even more being scared all the time simply existing.

Although I know bad things still happen to men, I think I would feel generally safer having been born one. Identifying and transitioning just isn't enough for me. I need the impossible.

It doesn't seem right to wish for the impossible just to be able to feel safe.

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Afternoon entry:

At noon my dad came back and we practiced driving, then when the weather started looking worse we went out for groceries. He seems to be in a good mood today. 

it unnerves me a little but it's kinda nice. 

I went into the department store myself and got a few things, body scrub and oil, some new polish, bottles of a good brand that would normally cost $12 cost $3-4 which is less than the full price of a cheap bottle at most pharmacies. 

My step sister always seems to like these kinds of things so I want to try too.

I spent the rest of the afternoon painting my nails to distract myself but I don't think I can manage to keep my head clear alone with my thoughts. Its hard to make myself feel better when it comes to politics. It's just too possible, too real.

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Evening entry:

Leftovers for dinner.

I'm still not feeling great.

I call my partner for a bit and that feels better.

I know I have a person I feel safe with.