DESIGNATION X-7: THE HEART OF THE MATTER

Ever wonder what dandelions, a heart medication company, and pesticides have in common?

More than you'd think.

If you've ever had or known someone who's had heart problems, odds are whatever medication they were taking, it was manufactured by Bayer. Bayer is the leading manufacturer of heart medications worldwide they also own Roundup, one of the most popular weed killers used by homeowners and landscaping companies everywhere. At first, the two seem completely unrelated, but the closer you dig (hehe) into it, the more it makes sense.

Now, enter our friend the dandelion -- widely available, completely edible, and used in a variety of salads and other foods. They are more nutrient-dense than kale or spinach, and are packed with a variety of essential vitamins and minerals. But, this versatile plant is used in a much more important way -- it is one of the most heart healthy foods in the world. It is also used for liver health, often prepared as a tea, tincture, or just eaten as a veggie. These are not the limits of its benefits, either -- it is also an antioxidant and a natural anti-inflammatory. Dandelion root can be ground and used as a coffee substitute -- in fact, historically, dandelion "coffee" has been around a lot longer than the real thing! Here's another fun fact: despite limited space on the ship, pilgrims brought dandelions on the Mayflower because of their medicinal benefits.

So, if this amazing plant is so useful and so readily available, why aren't we all using it? The short answer: marketing.

If you ever picked a handful of dandelions as a child and proudly offered them to an adult, you've likely also received the crushing reply, "honey, those are just weeds." And to most of the American population, that's what we've been taught to regard them as. A weed, a simple nuisance to be destroyed -- with weed killers like Roundup. How convenient that the #1 manufacturer of heart medications also owns the product to kill one of the most heart healthy plants. Can't have people using those pesky natural remedies and depriving us of money, can we?

Dandelion antics aside, Bayer's history is for from stellar. In the early 1900s, Bayer introduced heroin to the pharmaceutical market as a trademarked product. They marketed it as a medicine mothers could give to their children for common ailments like coughs or stomach aches. 

This also isn't the first time Bayer has dipped into the pesticides business, either -- during World War II, they were part of a consortium called IG Farben that manufactured pesticides. In the 1930s, the company became a Nazi Party donor and throughout the decade purged itself of Jewish employees. In the 1940s, the company relied on slave labor from concentration camps, including 30,000 from Auschwitz, and was involved in medical experiments on inmates at both Auschwitz and Mauthausen. One of its subsidiaries (BASF) supplied the poison gas Zyklon B, which was used to kill over one million people in gas chambers during the Holocaust.

In the subsequent Nuremberg trials, many of the higher ups in the company received prison sentences for their crimes -- however, all defendants who were sentenced received early release. Most were quickly restored to their directorships and other positions, and some were even awarded the Federal Cross of Merit. 

In other words, they got away with it, and BASF and Bayer continued to thrive after the war. As for Roundup, well, they actually bought its parent company Monsanto first -- another awful company with awful products. Lots of cancer, lots of lawsuits, etc. Bayer spent over 70 MILLION on Monsanto, and every year they're still spending tens of billions of dollars to settle lawsuits -- the most recent of which are lawsuits against Roundup itself! Who knew? A shady company who funded the Nazi Party makes products that cause cancer? Nahhh, impossible.

So what do you think? Did Bayer buy Roundup and besmirch the dandelion's good name so that we'd be forced to buy their heart medications? Or is it just a coincidence?

All this is purely hypothetical of course. All academic. I definitely don't think any of this is related to each other, and I definitely don't think you should google Bayer or IG Farben or Monsanto to find out what other shady things they've done. This post is totally satire.