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this is something I've been keeping in my notes and I feel like I need to post it because I know others are still going through it especially nowadays because everyone is getting super sknny again and I didn't write this to share what I did, I wrote this to explain how it's negatively impacted/impacting my life.
For the past 8 years, my life has been consumed by anorexia and bulimia. I’m 17, and what should be a time of discovery, growth, and excitement has instead become a constant battle with my body and mind. It’s as if these disorders have woven themselves into every aspect of my life, and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to escape the grasp
The All-Consuming Thoughts
From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, thoughts about food, weight, and my body dominate my mind. It’s like a relentless soundtrack that I can’t turn off. Every bite I take, every glimpse in the mirror, and every interaction is tainted by the overwhelming anxiety and obsession that comes with these disorders.
I hate my body so much that it’s difficult to find joy in anything else. No matter how many times people tell me I’m beautiful, or that I don’t need to lose weight, the voice in my head always tells me otherwise. It’s a voice that’s harsh, critical, and impossible to silence.
Strained Relationships
My relationships with friends and family have taken a significant hit. They try to understand, but it’s hard for them to grasp the intensity of what I’m going through. I find myself withdrawing, avoiding social situations where food is involved, and becoming irritable when they express concern. It’s as if a wall has been built between us, and I don’t know how to tear it down.
My romantic relationship has also suffered. The constant need for reassurance, the fear of being judged, and the perpetual feeling of inadequacy make it hard to connect on a deeper level. I want to be present, to enjoy the moments we share, but my mind is always elsewhere, trapped in the cycle of self-criticism and despair.
Speaking Out
One of the hardest parts is talking about it. Anorexia and bulimia have become so ingrained in my life that I can’t stop talking about them. It’s like a broken record, repeating the same fears and frustrations over and over. I know it exhausts the people around me, and sometimes I feel like a burden. But keeping it all inside feels impossible too.
The Path Forward
Acknowledging the problem is the first step, but it’s not an easy one. I want to get better, to reclaim my life and rebuild my relationships. Seeking help from a therapist or a support group is crucial, but it requires a level of vulnerability that I’m still grappling with.
I hope that by sharing my story, others who are going through similar struggles will feel less alone. It’s a tough journey, and there are days when it feels impossible. But I have to believe that there’s a way out, a future where I can look in the mirror and not hate what I see, a time when I can think about something other than my weight and my body.
Final Thoughts
If you’re reading this and you’re struggling too, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to seek help, to talk about your feelings, and to prioritize your mental health. We deserve to live lives that are not defined by our disorders. We deserve to find happiness and peace within ourselves.
For now, I’ll keep fighting, one day at a time, holding onto the hope that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel ://
but My DMS are open on Instagram if you need to talk!! Just keep in mind that some msg end up in my requests and I don't check them often :p
Comments
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Masami (スターさん)
hey! I just wanted to say that your blogs are so real. I struggle with anorexia and have been for about 5 years counting this year. I still struggle with the obsessive thoughts on food and have problems with constantly weighing myself to make sure that I'm attractive. I can't eat certain foods without breaking down about how i'll look after and with the constant fear of being fat.
I empathize with your struggles and unwillingness to be vulnerable to a therapist. I refused therapy for majority of the time I struggled and only started less than 2yrs ago. It's hard to accept help and talk about your issues, it's hard to be vulnerable especially when it's something so consuming in your life. It takes a lot of strength. So, go to therapy when you're ready and come to terms with it when you're okay. I will say, I encourage it because I found a professional that works for me and is helping me heal everyday. I'm sure you could find someone that'll help you too. But, don't force yourself, come when you're ready.
It may feel like your life is over, it feels soul-crushing and hopeless. However, if you keep fighting everyday no matter how much you want to give up, I promise you, your life will change. Just how mine did. The saying "it gets easier everyday" is true, but the hard part is that you need to do it everyday. So, it will be a fight and it'll be hard, but you're stronger than your anorexia and bulimia. They don't define you as a person. You are not just your looks, you are not your weight, you are not defined by the scale. You are human and that is good.
I believe in you. I believe you can change your life around. I promise you'll find love and support with the right people. You can do it!!! BEST OF LUCK!!! <3
THNX!!! and actually I have been seeing professionals for it but so far I haven't had any luck with meds or advice :p And I haven't seen my therapist in 3 months sadly.. but I agree that therapy can be healing!! i love life but it's just sad it's this way :pp
by Jaded Jolie; ; Report
thats understandable!! it sucks so much!! :p -- but we got this
by Masami (スターさん); ; Report
i forgor to add to my comment that if u want some tips that helped me, i would be happy to give you some!!
by Masami (スターさん); ; Report
and good luck with your journey!! it's good to hear that you're getting help :3
by Jaded Jolie; ; Report
OH YESS TIPS WOULD BE LOVELY THANK YOUH :33
by Jaded Jolie; ; Report
okay!! here's what i do to manage eating!
1. With eating, I tend to eat in small qualities. I typically eat lots of liquids and soups as I don't see them as heavy in calories or as filling. One soup that helps me a lot is miso soup!! It might be bc im asian and biased but one serving of miso soup is very filling for the day and its extremely versatile as you can have it plain or with tofu, seaweed or veggies!!
2. LOTS LOOOOTTTSSS LOOOOTTTTSSS of communication and self-affirmations are important!! When before eating and after i write or say to myself that "i'm not my weight" over and over again. I also write down a list of positive attributions about myself that don't involve my looks or weight!! If i'm eating out, I communicate with my partner what kind of safe foods are okay for me, and we choose a restaurant that cater to both of our taste! (Ex. My safe food is spicy soup, but my partner loves meat, so we go out to a korean restaurant that serves some meat and soup dishes)
3. Have some preventative measures and a safety plan when you feel a breakdown coming!! What i did was to get rid of my scale and any body altering mirrors!! I also prepare soup before hand and I also write down specific safe foods for me and tend to eat those most days! If i'm working out, i put myself on an extremely strict time-limit for only an hour and a half, so I don't feel the need to overwork myself! I also walk everyday for about 30-45 mins, and i don't do anything more than that! I also added a lot of plushies to my collection so if i feel something coming i can hug them instead!
4. During the dinner table, I also tend to take deep breathes in and out (i use the 8 by 8 rule! hold breath 8 seconds, rest 8 seconds, exhale 8 seconds!) I also eat extremely slowly and take the amount of food that I feel comfy eating!! If i can't finish my food, I don't force myself too and instead I pack it for leftovers to eat tomorrow!!
I hope this helps a bit!! This is what I do to manage!!
by Masami (スターさん); ; Report
oh yes this is really good advice :33 I tend to use like coffee mugs and teacups for like my food :p
by Jaded Jolie; ; Report