06.29.24

Felt real sick today. Like real sick. Felt real nauseous, and real hot. Shouldn’t of eaten so much so quick. I didn’t eat anything at all yesterday, so when i ate so much today; guess my stomach got mad at me for it. 

Last episode of Interview with a Vampire comes out tomorrow. Other than that— i don’t really know much of what to say. I don’t really have anything going on ever. Guess that’s what it comes down to when you’re unemployed and have no friends to hang out with. Not that i’d be jumping at the opportunity to hang out with people. Don’t feel the appeal of hanging out with L, when i know the entire time we’ll just be playing one-player games on his TV and sitting around. 

I hate hanging out with A too. She’s great, love her to death, but fuck she’s so skinny. I hate it. I feel overgrown next to her. Clothes look so perfect on her it’s unreal. I’ve had myself convinced that no one looks that effortless, flawless, other than thinspo pinterest pictures and the mannequins at clothing stores. That people look real in real life. But there she comes, with perfect tank tops, perfect, exactly baggy enough jeans and perfect, styled and volumed wolfcut. I hate hate hate it. Id do anything in the world to be a doll like that. I’m curvy, but it all sits a little too low. A little too wide and too big. It’s not acceptable, and everyday im tricked by high contrast lighting and warped mirrors to think that i am. To think that that 10 pounds i lost would mean anything. I feel laughable.

Then she agrees and is so adament about everything i say, and it feels like i’m talking with a repetitive yes-man rather than a person. She’s great and funny and i don’t hate her, but seeing and standing next to her feels like such a punch in the gut, i dont ever want to see her this summer again. Go to the pool together? Id lose it.

I feel such shame and doom, and embarrassment and burden everyday, im so so sick of it. I’ve felt this way for so long, guilt and burden have tangled themselves in my hair and i have not the self-worth to brush them out. I carry them around with me and they’re there— right there, in the back of my head and dangling through my split ends. Guilt has been with me since the beginning, since my autism diagnosis, and since my birth. Its nestled itself a little burrow in my heart and adaptation has been dumb enough to let her stay. And so there she sits, prominent enough in my life to link hands with my identity as a whole. Doom is on its way to be there too, sitting right next her, and they’ll cross their legs.

Hate rests heavy with me as a whole, and i really love the movie Speak.

I really want you to see me.