titled june 6/29/2024

location: conch

well thats one month of summer basically done. dont have much to show for it though. i feel like ive been wallowing for so long, i might be stuck like this. cant imagine how i used to feel. i feel like a failure for some reason. i finished off with a 94 in precalc. did actually learn alot. i dont know why i cant just have what i currently have be enough. im sure my problem is only my mindset, not anything else. i dont know why im so harsh with myself mentally but lenient in practice. i scream at myself if i stay in bed past 10, even though i usually end up staying for longer. i don't have anywhere to be but i just spend those next few hours either scrolling with self loathing in my chest or trying my best to fall asleep so i dont have to feel so guilty. i wonder why i do this. i read a line that actually had me thinking. "if your productivity is controlled by the way you feel you will never get anything done." i'm surprised such a basic sentiment was shocking to me. it was something i couldnt fathom for a while now though. i used to feel this tired all the time but i still did things i wanted to. ive been waking up, waiting for the day where i don't feel like this anymore. but that day will never come, will it? no matter how much adderall i swallow, if i don't make the conscious effort to get up and endure, i'll stay like this. the reality of the matter is that if i want to go back to doing the amount of things i was doing before and more, ill have to be uncomfortable. deeply even, to the point of anger and rage and frustration. i no longer have any more excuses. i will not give myself any more sympathy. my mercy is doing the same amount of harm my self loathing has done. they are merely two sides of the same coin. the only abuser i have left is myself. "'you need to hate the world enough to change it, but love it enough to consider it worth changing.' action is the offspring of dark pessimism and frenized optimism working in tandem." i knew i was missing something to fuel me, a motivator. i forgot it could come from ones self. i cannot hate where i am now without loving myself enough to want better. my only goal now is to make myself uncomfortable. to regret my decisions and wish to run back to familiarity, but to stand firm in what i am doing. your emotions are valid, but that does not mean they are correct. you place that logic on everyone else but forget it applies to you as well. the pit of despair i feel in my chest is not my fear of the outside, or the unknown. i have burrowed myself so far deep inside myself, i have lost sense of basic reality. my biggest fear is fear itself. im terrified of feeling anxiety, i would rather never even put myself in the realm of it being a possibility. and that fear is stopping me from existing outside of what i know is truly safe or rather, controllable. i forgot how to accept my anxiety for what it is. it is not a warning or predictor that something bad is soon to happen. it has no true basis in the real world. it is only a culmination of every bad feeling i've ever had, compounded into one emotion that i place onto anything different. and i feel at war with myself because i know i want more but even i am scared it won't be enough if i managed to have it. i'm terrified of never being satisfied. i'm scared one day i'll have everything i've ever wanted and still want so much more. i was going to type am i doomed to only enjoy getting what i want for a fleeting moment before the feeling of light in my chest fades away but i do not want to even think of that as an option. i am not doomed to anything. i am not stuck in my ways, i am not a neanderthal who is unable to correct his thinking. what i've learned over this past 6 months was not useless and i refuse to regret it. understanding more will never be a mistake. the only mistake here is that i let my mind and my body become so dislocated and chaotic. the state i am in now reflects that. i am not stuck in depression or doomed to be forever miserable. i am merely in disarray. that is not a permanent condition by any means. funnily enough, the solution here is to simply "walk it like you talk it." good luck. i know you can do it.