im home alone and the SSRIs aren’t working

fully free in a world not built for me

sitting on the patio stairs in a thunderstorm 

surrounded by dirty solar panel lights and all the backyard plants my mom forgot to care for

(the ones facing the world out front deserve her care more)

i wanted to slit my wrists or drink or smoke

but im experiencing it all sober

a chemical imbalance in my brain dulls my senses

i can’t see or smell or hear or taste

all that remains is the dull ache of tears held back

brimming behind my eyes

im not even really sad right now