spiraling once more

i only go in circles and i never truly get better and the worst part is. i know. self awareness is such a stupid curse i always convince myself that "i know how to deal with this" and "most people don't know what they're doing and i do. I convince myself I'm above it it all but reality will humble you in the sickest way possible because all the sudden it 3.pm and you haven't moved from the bed since you woke up at 7. i literally just got used to saying i'm 14 and now i turn 15 and it sucks because god knows how long this parasite has been feeding off my lower case g god thoughts. i'm an observer in my life and a video game player that's left on ideal. every second of my life is a tv show to me and it's tiring to perform when no one is there but whatever. There is still time