sane

every night for the past few weeks, maybe months idk im not good with time, have been spent with me staring up at my ceiling listening to music with the occasional checking the time. I said before in a previous blog that writing helps calm me down, and it really does. But lately ive been wanting to write down everything to my ex, we're still friends, and a few nights ago i actually did write like 4 or 5 full messages to her on insta knowing she wouldnt even see the messages because she has quiet mode on and never answers until some HOURS later, and i even sent the messages late at night. Deep down i did want her to see, but at the same time it would have been too embarassing... yet she did open the messages. The only thing she replied to was the last message and the last sentence, where i said she pissed me off and she replied 'why do i piss you off (my name)?' i wanted to die right then and there. We ended up talking for about 30 minutes before she went to sleep, then the next night i sent a message saying i was

God, this is so stupid. I dont even want to continue. I hate her stupid fucking boyfriend. I want her to want ME. Why... i dont know. I think im lonely. I just want to talk to her. She went to sleep without responding to my last messages, im trying to not care but i do care. I want to talk to her@@!!!!!!!!1111!11! i want her to know i still love her, but she cant know. Jesus, is this how she felt talking to me when she still liked me and she thought i didnt like her??? i wish i hadnt ended things. She would have ended them eventually anyways like always, but i wish it hadnt been me. I wish i hadnt acted so oblivious towards her some months after, maybe we could have been something again... but NOOOOO. Why do men ruin EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she loves him. She wants to marry him and have kids with him. Spend the rest of her life with him. I know it!!! I know it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Im so pathetic holy shit. I hate my life, wtf happened to me?