issues with dad and i guess our cats??

a few days ago i asked my friend how do we know when we love someone, and she said "well, if you want to protect them and you dont want them to die then i would say you probably love them." and i guess that makes sense. When i was around 13 i went through a phase where i didnt know if i loved my parents for example, because i didnt know what it meant to love. I remember telling my parents this, my mom said okay but kept saying she loved me of course, but i would get awkward and wouldnt know how to respond, so she would get upset, understandably.. the same goes for my dad, though i guess he was more pushy with it. I feel like my dad does things he knows pisses me off, just to piss me off. Sometimes when he DOES say or do things that make me mad, ill raise my voice and all he will say is "oh i dont understand people that yell bla bla bla" dude i will literally break your computer and force you to look at me. He MUST know at this point that him refusing to acknowledge me when im mad makes me MORE mad. Its like, one time i was mad at him for something i dont remember... actually i think it was because, when we first got our cat she kept playing with stuff she wasnt allowed to play with because hello.. shes a kitten... and he would always get mad at ME for it, and he would say that he was gonna get rid of her and one day she apparently lost something important (just something small, dont remember what it was) and when he realized this he got angry and said he couldnt keep her anymore and he was gonna get rid of her. I of course begged him not to, and he said if i could find the thing she lost he wouldnt get rid of her, so of course i start desperately looking for something i had no idea what was... until he looked behind his computer, found it and said "Oh! here it is haha nevermind!" all cheerfully, and all i could do was stare at him because what the fuck. After a few seconds of me not saying anything and just staring at him, he was like hello?? and i was so close to breaking down but my cousin was there so i tried to keep it in, i tried to say something like "next time do not put this on me it wasnt my fault" but i literally couldnt, so he said lets talk in your apartment (too long to explain) and after i went in it i kept repeating it wasnt my fault you cant blame everything on me and he sat down on the couch and told me to sit next to him but HELLO?? WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO SIT NEXT TO YOU?? but of course his small brain couldnt understand it, and because i refused to sit next to him he refused to listen to me so i said "you never listen to me, and right now it feels like youre not listening" before completely breaking down and again repeating it wasnt my fault through broken sobs,,, now with our second cat he also sometimes says hes gonna get rid of them but i just say its too late now and dont bother saying anything else. Its also, before we spayed our cat, like the day before and she was in heat, he said "im thinking of letting her have kittens." .....?????????? are you??? fucking stupid???? are you okay in the head??? what the actual fuck is wrong with you??? AND ITS LIKE HE COULDNT EVEN UNDERSTAND JUST WHY I WAS ANGRY AT THAT. Dude. I would be the one that had to take care of them. you think i have time to take care of a bunch of kittens??? you think i know HOW to take care of them??? im barely managing with our current cats, because ill be honest it can become too much to the point where i want to go home. He was never home because he was always out working, so not only did i take care of washing dishes and clothes and whatever, i also took care of cleaning up after our cats and feeding them. The only thing he had to do was take out the trash and bring food home, and even THAT was apparently too much, because he usually wouldnt do it until a day or two after i asked him. His apartment smells BAD when you first walk in sometimes because hes too fucking lazy to throw out trash with the cats shit. Even now, when im not there, i already KNOW he doesnt properly clean up after them or take out the trash. It just all stacks up. trash under the sink closed in, but ALSO outside because the trash inside under the sink fills up and hes too lazy to take it out. I want to take both the cats when i live alone and have money and time and all that because HES NOT FIT. HE JUST ISNT. but i just know he wont let me. No one seems to believe me when i say this, but if he does get rid of either of them im not sure if i will ever speak to him again. I might want to kill him, of course i never would because i obviously love him but he would still lose me. I already dont trust him at all, he also doesnt seem to understand why that is. Wow.. i wasnt gonna write so much about my dad,,,

nyctophiliac - whatsaheart 

29/6/24